The Porn Conversation You Need to be Part of

 

Porn. Porn. Poooooorn. Porny-Porn Porn Porn. Porn Porn Porn-a-rooo. Porn-ah-reee, porn-ah-rahhh, porn-oh-ronie. PORN.

 

There. Now we’ve shed some light on the scary porn monster and can talk about it honestly, like adults. It’s important to talk about it because porn impacts how men relate with women and vise versa. Porn shapes behaviors that determine your outcome in a relationship. Porn directly affects your capacity for intimacy.

 

Since I know me best, I’d like to start the conversation with my personal experiences. You’ll find you can relate.

 

 

My struggle with pornography

 

 

I was so steeped in pornography that I can’t recall many days without it. When my Dad found the porn stash on my iPod as a young man, he joked to my mom, “Is Dan preparing to be a gynecologist?”   I was immersed in pornography from a young age and was scared to even be in a relationship with a real woman.

 

When I broke that fear, I still viewed women pornographically. I couldn’t connect meaningfully as friends to maintain a significant relationship.  All of my relationships crumbled as I became bored with insanely gorgeous women, just as it happens when viewing pornography.

 

With pornography I conditioned myself to extract a maximum of pleasure from women in the shortest intervals, and with no thought of my personal input.  This conditioning was patently obvious in the dismal outcomes of my relationships.

 

Relationships by their nature are long lasting, built on commitment and teamwork. Relationships require individuals to give freely and selflessly of themselves to create something bigger and more meaningful.

 

Since I had practiced the opposite of that with porn, all of my relationships failed and I was left alone, confused, and resentful.  What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I just be happy with another person?  Why was I failing miserably at something that should come naturally?

 

I didn’t realize that I was subconsciously sabotaging myself with habitual porn usage. Every day I did porn was a day that I used women, regardless of their feelings, for ephemeral pleasure. I used them up and tossed them away with the click of a mouse. It is no surprise or coincidence that I displayed the same behaviors in my relationships with real women. How manly? How intelligent?

 

Quitting

 

I quit porn the day I learned that many of the actresses are graduates of child sex slavery.  No matter how difficult it was to quit cold turkey, I could not rationalize it any longer. I couldn’t enable pure evil through my shallow desire for pleasure.

 

After that point, I was forced to deepen my approach to living.  I had to use my brain and my heart together in order to plan for real happiness that helps relationships and communities grow. I forced myself to become a real man.

 

This was not an easy process. I battled repression until I learned to channel my sexual desire intelligently. Repression is the ugliest beast from hell.  I did it alone and without the support of a strong community of men— that was a mistake.  We were put on this earth for each other.  Relationships are our greatest assets.

 

I’ve been free of pornography without a second thought for 3 years.  I have since devoted my life to helping other men overcome pornography more intelligently, and to helping women vocalize their needs in relationships.

 

 

 

Now I have some questions for you. I’d like to engage you with facts about the porn industry and on how it adversely affects your relationships.

 

 

 

Men

 

Do you think porn is a healthy or good thing?

 

Would it surprise you that the foremost divorce attorneys estimate 500,000 divorces a year are attributed to pornography? (https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/porn-use-can-lead-to-divorce-study)  Why do you think that is?

 

When a person associates his or her sexual desire with a lifeless screen, they are training themselves to connect with something that can’t connect back.  It’s a dead end that kills potential for intimacy between two real people.

 

In a marriage, your husband or wife depends on you to be sensitive to their wants, needs and desires in order to experience intimacy. If you practice associating your desire with pixels on a screen, you will not be able to connect meaningfully with your partner in real life.

 

Human connection is a two way street that you pave with each thought and action.  When your thoughts and actions fall short of connecting with other humans, the road to other humans crumbles and fades; you are left with a dead end.

 

 

Think of your daughters

 

Would you be ok with your daughter degrading herself in a pornographic film?  What makes you thick it is respectful decent, or even permissible to watch other men’s daughters do the same?

 

As men, we are called to defend and protect women, not objectify and degrade them. Vir means “man in latin, so to be a man is to be virtuous. To be a man is to be without pornography.  When we play our role as men, we help other men and women find lasting success in their relationships while supporting our own.

 

When we act as men, wee pave the way for our own daughters to be treated with the respect, dignity and honor that they deserve.  When we behave as men, our daughters can look up to us, trust us, and use us as examples for their future husbands. When we objectify and degrade women in any way, we are consenting for our daughters to be treated similarly.

 

 

Women

 

Do you feel like its okay for your boyfriends and husbands to watch porn? If so, why?

 

Do you think that he will be attuned to and concerned about the porn actresses emotions, needs and desires when he watches porn?

 

When a man watches porn, he is using another women as a virtual slave to satisfy his desire for pleasure regardless of how she feels.  This is not how you want him to be practicing for a breathing woman in flesh—you!

 

You are subtle, complex, emotional, living and breathing being; you are distinct from a mass of pixels on a screen. You command a level of intimacy and attentiveness that men who abuse porn are hopeless to supply.

 

In fact, most women who act in these films have to force themselves to be humiliated in front of a camera. They do this with drugs, painkillers and alcohol to numb themselves of the pain and emptiness that they experience. The pain isn’t just emotional; it is common for porn actress to have anal and vaginal tears. What a job?!

 

Clearly emotions, well-being and needs are not factored by a man watching porn.

 

How do you think that impacts you and your relationships?

 

I’ll give you my two cents:  We play like we practice. If a man practices fulfilling his desire for pleasure regardless of how a woman feels, he will not be able to connect with you in the ways you deserve as a beautiful human being. You need to be able to connect intimately with a man if you expect to stand the test of time with him.

 

If he practices porn, he will use you for your pleasure only to throw you away when he’s finished, just like all of the insanely gorgeous women in the videos. We play like we practice, no other way about it.

 

Did you know it has been scientifically proven that men rate their partners as less attractive after watching porn?  You are a woman. You are the most beautiful creation in the universe. You are beautiful and worthy beyond your comprehension. You are infinitely deserving of a man who can honor you, cherish, defend your inherent dignity and respect you. A good and honest man would never dream of compromising his ability to love you and admire your beauty.

 

You are worthy of being constantly admired and desired by a man who would never dream of sacrificing his connection with you for passing pleasure. But it is up to you to set standards that would allow room for such a man in your life. These standards will automatically reject and repel men who don’t have your best interests in mind.

 

 

Men and women- 

 

Did you know that it is extremely common for women to load up on painkillers just so they can smile for you while being abused on camera? That should destroy the illusion that they are smiling with you and enjoying the experience with you. Would you ever ask your wife or girlfriend to take pain killers just so they could please you?

 

Did you know it is very common for women to get anal, vaginal and throat tears that sometimes requires surgery to recover?  How sex and awesome is that?!  Did you know that porn actors commonly require multiple STDs and bacterial infections throughout their careers?

 

If you don’t believe me, allow ex porn star Vanessa Belmond to tell you about it:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HvC_sEURXA

 

Watching pornography enables this industry to thrive. When you watch pornography, you are complicit in the humiliation and abuse of our precious women; the bearers of life.

 

This life doesn’t sound like anything I’d want for my wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend. So why is it okay to support other women doing these terrible things?  I think it’s a grave disservice to our wives and all women to associate our sexual desire with such abuse and degradation. Women are worth much more than the pleasure we’ve been wont to extract from them.

 

Now is the time to not only act like, but to actually be men. Real men. Men who protect, honor and serve others.  Men who reveal their manliness through how gentle, kind, and respectful they are to women.  Men who refuse to conform to the abysmally low standards set by our culture.  Men who work hard to set new standards that make room for intimacy, dignity, and longevity in our relationships. If you refuse porn, you are well on your way to being this man.

 

For women, now is the time to speak out against pornography.

 

Now is the time to let your voice be heard. Now is the time to set impossibly high standards; impossible for anyone other than real men to meet. Now is the time to vociferously reject abusive and degrading behaviors.  Now is the time to let men know exactly what you expect in relationships and what you will not tolerate. Now is the time to stand up for you dignity rather than allow it to be trampled on by lesser men; no comfort in a relationship is worth the price of your dignity.

 

 

To these ends, I propose The Sex Strike for Better Men

 

Ladies: Work with me. Send me your stories of how pornography has harmed you, your relationships and your families. I am founding The Sex Strike for Better Men, which is a support hub for women taking a stance on pornography as well as a resource for men desiring to quit.

 

I am also compiling a book that speaks on behalf of every woman who demands more from men. I need your voice and your experiences as a call to action for men to quit porn.  The more women speak out, the harder it will be for men to ignore women’s needs. Let’s make male culture so uncomfortable about pornography that it is forced with two choices: Be without porn, or be single forever.

 

Guys, I need your voices too.  I need the stories on how/why you quit porn and learned to love better.  Many women now feel hopeless that good men who are capable of lasting intimacy can be found.  We need to inspire male culture to create an environment where women feel respected and hopeful for their future relationships. You stories of change will be a motivating factor for men around the world.

 

Send your stories through *this form*.    You can also submit stories to daniel@dowlingwriter.com

 

Thanks for being open to this discussion; it takes courage. Any of your personal experiences, opinions and comments are valued and desired. Please contribute to the conversation below.

 

 

 

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