I have a glaring issue with relationships that I just can’t get past: Nobody plans for them! We plan meticulously for our careers, hobbies, playtime, baby showers, manicures for our dogs, and anything else that we want to succeed in. But, strangely, there is a cultural fog that obscures the importance of planning for relationships; the gateways to new life. We’ve been conditioned to hope to fall ass backwards into meaning and significance, but that hasn’t worked out. Sex is the thing that brings new life into the world. New life is important, because without it, our species would die. So let’s reexamine sex and our relationships. Follow me for an article and I’ll help you plan for the relationships you desire and deserve.
Sex is one small but important chunk of the love pie. Everyone is interested in it, of course, because the survival of our species depends on it. In case you didn’t know…Sex is a good thing!! But, like all other good things, the goodness depends on your plan for using it. Kinda like any other tool. If you are itching to get sexy before you really know of a person’s commitment, character and quality, chances are there are many more creative ways for you to get to know a person and for them to get to know you. These creative ways also become the foundation for lasting relationships.
From my experience and observations, sex before marriage is harmful because it distracts couples from the qualities that lead to lifelong commitment, like trust, respect, morals, beliefs, mutual goals and needs. As a wise man once said, “If sex led to fulfilled marriages, everybody would still be married!”
So, I say yes to friendship, yes to respect, yes to marriage, yes to setting appropriate boundaries, and yes to human connection. Mostly I say yes to a plan for your successful relationships. When respect is part of your plan, you can feel good about saying no to everything else and sleep like a baby. Friendship is respectful always, and the highest evolution of friendship between a man and woman is marriage. Respect is maintained throughout, but the context changes as your appreciation, admiration, devotion and commitment to each other increases. What would be respectful for a couple after 2 years of committing to each other will not be respectful for a couple of 2 months.
As far as I’ve learned, you must have a substantial amount of demonstrable commitment accrued in a relationship before you can get physical if you want to keep respect and admiration at the forefront. Premature physical engagement (PPE- yeah, I spent a year in the army so I get to use cheesy acronyms.)
PPE leads to distraction from the spiritual, mental and emotional connection that is the foundation for lasting love. It effectively blinds you from the qualities of a person that you really need to become familiar with if you expect to last a lifetime together. If you don’t care about those qualities, please stop reading: you’ll be wasting your time.
Education: The Antidote
Through all of my education, I never learned a spec about real relationships. So, I had to educate myself deliberately and intensively. I refused to take part in the paradigm that offered brokenness and temporary pleasure as the best it gets, because I had observed others do better. I had an inchoate sense that what we call normal wasn’t the best I could achieve. I had seen and experienced too much misery and heartache that came through blindly accepting what we’ve been taught, so I committed to a different way.
After I rehabbed myself and paved the way for a brighter future, I had too many people telling me that I had to share this, so, I couldn’t keep it to myself. I decided to bring about an education medium that relied heavily on observation, logic and questions in order to work with our sexual desire.
My relationship education is focused on intelligently and constructively channeling sexual desire. Our sexual desire is brilliant and powerful. Through it, we can achieve many great accomplishments, but none greater than new human life. That life is the culmination of our creative capacity, which means that the act of sex is the culmination of our sexual desire. The word “culmination” has implications of a road to the top. The path to that peak is the path of edification, adventure, respect, creativity, and admiration. In a good relationships, that road never ends. Death is just another part of the adventure of life.
Until we have revealed the depth of our character, commitment and creativity, sexual desire is more appropriately funneled into less extraordinary pursuits than sex. Whether that be a writing a song, crafting a painting, plumbing toilets, or whatever it is you are passionate about. There is no limit for what we can do with our sexual energy. But, it is entirely up to us to harness that energy in ways that build up our relationships.
If we choose not to educate ourselves and plan for a better application of desire, we have nobody but ourselves to blame for the train wrecks and disasters that we are so accustomed to. Not biology, not society, not “human nature”, not our genetics, and not anything but ourselves. We really have to practice , otherwise we won’t show up to the big game when it comes. When I say big game, I really mean new life.
Until you’ve discovered the depths of a partner’s commitment, character and creativity, you cannot trust that they will be able to lovingly raise the children that come through physical love. If you are prematurely physical and the big game comes, you won’t be prepared. When you aren’t prepared, new life does not get what it needs and what should be a miracle and a blessing is perceived as an inconvenience. Pretty messed up?
Imagine being a newborn and knowing that your parents neither wanted you nor had the capability of caring properly for you. Newborn babies can’t say, “WTF Mom and Dad?! You should have prepared for me!! I don’t deserve this shit!” But I can. WTF?!!!?!???!!!
Also, when you haven’t built faith in your partner’s commitment, you open yourself up to separation and divorce (contrary to popular belief, it is a choice). Divorce isn’t luck of the draw. It comes when couples lose their commitment to each other, and commitment wanes when intimacy is damaged. (for tips on building intimacy, click here) When divorce happens, children lose their faith in love and rebel against it. In that case, a physical display of affection would not have been making love, but making war.
The antidote to all of this is relationship education. Relationship education is the systematic approach for determining what actions and beliefs a person needs to adopt to successfully relate with another person. Generally, this is about what you do, not what you don’t do. Do make meaningful connections with another person that reveals your character and content. Do concern yourself with your partner’s morals, character, habits, beliefs, and goals. Do create connection through acts of kindness and selflessness. Do plan for habits that build character and intimacy in relationships.
But, the don’ts are extremely important too. Do not allow any interaction that would degrade your human connection. For women, this is important stuff, because men who engage in pornographic viewing will weaken human connection. This is because they have trained themselves to make transient connections with pixels on a screen, which are distinct from real women. Real women have real needs and complex emotions that pixels don’t.
So, as a man: How are you going to prepare for a real woman? And as a woman: How do you want a man to prepare for the real you?
Questions for your potential mates
After having been pornographically trained, men become unable to attend to the depth and emotional nuances of a real woman. Their commitments are not to the relationship and meaningful connection with her, but to the pleasure that they have learned to associate with her form. The difference is internal vs. external.
For this reason, the first question you should ask any potential dating candidate is: Do you watch porn?
If he or she answers yes, then tell them exactly why you cannot relate with him. Educate them, and let them know about the real connection that all humans need, and how to practice that. If you suspect that they are lying, run quickly. * I realize that mostly men watch porn, but 1/3 of porn consumers are women. That is a substantial number.
A second question should be: Do you believe in lifelong and committed love?
This is an important one to ask long before physical affection, because a man who is high on your love drug might fool himself into believing that he wants lifelong commitment with you, when he really only cares for the pleasure. That would be a man who threatens your ability to meaningfully connect, which is a disaster in the making- run quickly from those types. If your lover doesn’t believe in lifelong and committed love, then your capability of growing in love and intimacy is automatically restricted. If your partner doesn’t believe in it, then he or she also doesn’t believe that children have fundamental rights to secure and loving parents.
Another question could be: “Why, precisely, do you want to relate with me as a woman (or man)?” Or, less robotically, “What do you want with me? Where do I fit in your plans?”
This will be disarming to a man, because he will have never heard it before. Many people do not have plans for relationships other than to satisfy a temporary desire to feel good. It’s an honest question though- “What do you want from me? What do you hope to achieve through relating with me?”
Tell him you’ll see him again if he can come up with a decent answer. Let your potential partners fully understand your plan for relationships so that they might come up with their own. Don’t have one? Make one. What are you waiting for?
In this human experience, our success is contingent upon planning. Need an example? We have turned our world into a giant dumpster that seeps toxic sludge out of every orifice. Mass wildlife die offs. Oil spills. Floating islands of garbage the size of Texas…Do you think we planned this? Heck no, we just got greedy and refused to plan better. Because we didn’t plan more holistically, and because of a focus on instant gratification, our success is gravely threatened.
This same myopia has infiltrated our relationships. Need an example? 60% divorce rate. Oodles of unwanted children. We’ve adopted the insane idea that harmful behaviors in relationships are “normal”, and so we a thrusting headlong off a cliff! (End rant).
The only thing that can reverse this pattern of short-term gratification and long term devastation is: A plan. It’s like my wise older brother told a struggling sister- “You don’t need a man, you need a plan.” The more specific your statement of purpose is, the greater your chances of success in achieving it. The more detailed your steps and resources are for attaining the goals in your purpose, the more desirable your outcome will be. You can’t plan everything because life is uncertain, but you can plan and practice your response to the unknown.
Get a Plan
If you need help, here is a dreadfully simple rubric:
My purpose in relationships is to grow in intimacy and love with my partner till our dying days.
(As I said, dreadfully simple. But, the simpler the better. It has to be meaningful for you, and it has to be something that you can commit to day in and day out.)
To achieve lifelong regenerative love and intimacy, I need:
1- Fulfillment in self before relationship with spouse. (The resources I need to achieve this are: Satisfaction in my life’s work. Purpose and reason for being that is part of something greater than myself. Intimate connection with my community. Etc. Etc.
2- A foundation of commitment, vulnerability, trust, honesty, admiration and respect with my partner that I will never compromise. (The resources that I need to achieve this are: Profound knowledge of my spouse gained through substantial quality time. An objective perspective on my partner’s actions, behaviors and beliefs. A non-physical based courtship or dating that is not dependent on chemical highs. A deep interest in my partner’s thoughts and goals. Special time 3 days a week to vent unexpressed feelings and to reconnect intimately. Shared interests and goals with my partner that we can work towards each day of our lives. Shared passions and hobbies. Shared milestones. Etc. Etc.
3- An attitude of edification. (The resources I need to achieve this are: Humility. A burning desire to learn and grow. A willingness to see my spouse as a mirror to my internal world. Etc. Etc.
The statement of purpose will be simple, but the resources and strategies required to meet that purpose will be more complex and involved, and they will shift as time goes by. The beauty in this is that you are actively in charge of your outcome. With a holistic plan, your relationships will be part of the life you plan for. With a plan, you don’t have to settle for the excuses of human nature and genetics; you can actually live the life you want.
When you set out to make your plan, you’ll want to include all of the wonderful things that are important to you and your future family. For me that includes: children, financial security, plenty of leisure and play time, a fit and active lifestyle, a farm that our children can grow up learning about nature, animals, and life and death on, a positive impact on the earth and a regeneration of her resources (farm is included in this), and much more than this article can fill.
Bottom line: Your most fundamental needs and desires will not be met unless you plan specifically for them and are 100% transparent about them with your potential spouses. If you haven’t established your fundamental needs and desires, and if you haven’t set up a plan to ensure them, you will settle for instant gratification and a life of heartache and brokenness. Some call that human nature. I call it a choice.
A note from the author:
Most relationship experts would have you accept their words as doctrine, but I don’t want to be your voice. I want to help you find your voice so that you don’t have to listen to anyone else who could lead you off the cliff. I want you to live a life of beautiful simplicity. I want you to be able to shed the confusion and complexity that we have come to associate with modern romance. So, I ask you the questions that only you can answer to transform your life.
Have any questions for me? Please get in touch! Angry, outraged, pleased, curious, inspired, or moved by this article? Please add to the discussion with your valuable comments below. Thanks for sharing!