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Upstream Solutions To Abortion

Upstream Solutions to Abortion

Secular pro-life arguments are only effective when logic is employed. For those who have been conditioned to accept killing the innocent as normal, emotional appeals simply will not work. In this paper, I will address education-based solutions to the problem of abortion.

To begin, killing does not solve the real problem of abortion. If the problem isn’t the baby, then it has to be something we can resolve before a baby is conceived. Engaging in prematurely physical relationships is the issue, and that is something we can solve without violence. Self respect, respect for women, respect for life and respect for relationships are the upstream solutions to the problem of abortion. Nothing bad ever happened by respecting a thing too much.

The counter for this argument would be, “But making sure that a baby doesn’t have to experience a bad life is the respectful thing to do.” If that rhetoric were logical, then literally every single person should be aborted. Bad things happen regardless of what social strata you occupy, and regardless of your preparedness of a child. Our response to these problems is what makes or breaks our lives and communities. Killing out of fear, as history has proven, is not an effective solution for anything. Killing only begets more killing.

Quite plainly, abortion is unintelligent. Abortion relies on force to patch a problem rather than education. It reduces a person to something less, something without the capacity to make intelligent decisions. I’m not talking about the baby, I’m talking about the parents. Choosing abortion is stating that you cannot control your desires and you will not be held responsible for your actions. Can there ever be an escape to consequences of any kind? The post abortive mothers I’ve spoken with are still crying, 2 + decades after the fact. It is not fair for a mother to put that weight on her shoulders. It isn’t acceptable for a man to be complicit with that pain and sadness. Abortion is a down stream approach to an upstream problem. So, how can we curtail the flow?
Relationship Education
Education is the answer. Supporting abortion, as a culture, is conceding that we do not have faith in our capacity to educate, which is like a dolphin not having faith in swimming. There is a way to prevent unwanted pregnancies while enhancing the quality of life for all, and that is relationship education. I’m not talking about the trite spiel we get about condoms and birth control…That hasn’t worked. It won’t work, because life always finds a way; life is good at that. Besides, those methods of birth control do nothing to strengthen the bonds of human connection.

I’m talking about the type of education that instills respect for the opposite sex and respect for the ability to create life. I’m talking about education that prepares young people for to intelligently plan for and embrace the life that can come through their relationships. This is relationship education. I’m talking about educating young minds so that they will have the confidence in themselves and their spouses to embrace life when it does come along, rendering abortion obsolete. Relationship education is the best means of preventing unwanted births.

This world will know peace when all children are wanted, and that can only happen when men and women are educated about their sexual desires. Poor education leads to ignorance and ignorance leads to fear. Fear, as far as history has shown, is the number one cause of murder and death. We can end this cycle with relationship education.

 

 

Austin + Aubrey
Rethinking Relationships
People often think that sadness, heartache and brokenness is what we are made for. I can demonstrate that is patently false by making a simple appeal to our bodies. If we weren’t made to live in security, comfort, peace, and happiness, then our bodies would reflect that. By that, I mean our bodies would be optimized to function best in states of negative emotion, like fear, insecurity, hate, and more. But that isn’t the case. Our bodies shut down when we are in consistent negative emotional states, because that isn’t our nature. We are meant to be free, to be curious, accepted, grateful, appreciated, respected, fulfilled, and satisfied with life. In those states, our immune systems are at peak performance, our hormone levels are optimized, our brain chemistry is balanced, and our quality of life is marvelous.

Lets work with our bodies by supplying them the emotions they need for us to be whole and healthy. Let’s determine the actions that we need to take and the beliefs that we need to adopt to fuel our positive emotions, and to engender lasting success in relationships. Success is living life without regrets, and we cannot achieve that unless we plan for it.

All of the other animals do not have to plan intensively to achieve success because they lack the brain capacity. So, the other animals live simply and naturally. We on the other hand, have enormous thinking capacity. This capacity is not a luxury, but is an absolute requirement for us to live naturally and successfully like the other animals. Because of our refusal to plan for success in relationships, we have widely adopted the perspective that humans are damned, and separate from nature. We have chosen to abandon our thinking capacity in relationships to accept the love drug that we think our partners supply us. Because of this, mankind has suffered immensely. We can add to the suffering by choosing to live in fear, or we can summon our natural thinking capacity to plan for the relationships that create peace.

In abortion, it isn’t just the new life that suffers, and it isn’t just the woman or man that suffers. It is the relationship between all that degrades. As the most social creatures, our relationships are more valuable than anything else. For the problem of abortion, individualized approaches haven’t done much to combat it. We can talk about women’s rights all day, or the right of the child, and rarely the right of the father, but this insular approach hasn’t proven effective. It is our relationships that need to be healed. When we cannot relate with someone, our relationships crumble. This might seem elementary, but millions of people miss this every day and suffer for it. A common wedge that keeps people from relating with others is a programmed desire to relate to pleasure.
Pornography, Relating and Connection
It has been estimated that over 500,000 divorces a year are attributed to an addiction to pornography. I believe that figure is conservative. In this culture, males have been conditioned to view women as pleasure plug-ins from day one. You plug into a woman, you get pleasure. End of story. That is what pornography teaches us, and it reduces the bearers of life that women are to an empty outlet. When men practice relating to an inanimate object while associating sex and pleasure with pixels, their relationships with people suffer.

Pornography is the number one threat to relationships, and it isn’t just the fault of men. Women who accept that degrading and damaging behavior as normal have set the bar for their treatment, and have invited death to their relationships. I know of a woman who bemoans her marriage every day because of how pornography has affected the relationship. She desires to be cherished, to be connected, to be desirable and to be loved. Had she been educated on the mechanics of relationships, she would have realized that porn viewing is unacceptable for it foments negative emotions and prevents meaningful connection.

Relationships are meaningful connections, and though we cannot see the fibers that make them up, we can plainly see what strengthens them and what weakens them. If we want to strengthen a relationship, we have to relate more. Getting out with friends, volunteering our time and talent to admirable community projects, and growing with our community is where we strengthen our ability to relate. When specifically desiring to relate to pleasure rather than people, the bonds of connectivity weaken. They shrivel, and they lose their effectiveness. This vitiated state of relational bonds accurately describes 2/3rds of the population or more, judging by our current divorce rate. You cannot stay with a person who you are not connected to, so most people are doomed before they even start. The culprit? A total lack of relationship education.

Even injecting one simple bit of education into the masses would make a substantial increase in our ability to connect. For instance, if women were educated about the effects of pornography on relationships, they would no longer accept the company of harmful and degrading men. This would ripple into male culture, eventually sending wave about what is and is not kosher. The idea of human connection is as strong as ever, so men naturally want to relate to women. The application of human connection, however, is pitifully corrupted. Thus, women can have a profound impact on macro level relationships just by saying one word: No. A no to pornography is a yes to connection and a yes to life. When we make meaningful human connections, we make lasting and respectful relationships that are strong; strong as the practices that go into them.

A second bit of education: Save sex for commitment. No matter how hard we try to prevent it, sex brings new life into the world. Uncoupling the idea of new life from sex has led to uncommitted partners and unappreciated life. A new child is a profound commitment, so, any action that could create one must be undertaken with commitment and respect. This isn’t actually withholding anything, because when a man and woman channel their energy into increasing their respect and admiration for one another in friendly ways, nobody loses. Incidentally, friendship is the greatest indication of marriage success. If sex were, then everybody who bumped uglies would be satisfied and content in their marriage!

As a general guideline, relationships should be milieus for inspiration and creativity. Making new life is the height of our creative capacity, and it really is a huge responsibility and privilege. Think about Einstein, Martin Luther King, Maya Angelou, Gandhi, Steve Jobs- those are powerful, powerful people, and they were all created through sex. To attain that privilege with a respect for life, a person must express their creativity in ways that reveal more of their selves to create a friendship that could last for life.

If you don’t know enough about a person’s character to consider being friends for life with them, then save sex until a time where you can see that. The activities you pursue in the mean time will end up being more fulfilling, engaging and inspiring than any amount of meaningless sex. If you don’t know enough about yourself to foresee that kind of committed friendship, then learn more about yourself through connecting respectfully, responsibly, intelligently and creatively with others.

 

Conclusion

 

None of this is to say that the onus of change falls solely on women, but historically, who are the initiators of intimacy in relationships? That role has been taken by men, and it continues to this day despite the so-called “sexual liberation” of women (which has really only enslaved women to pleasure as much as men). Even if only 60% of men initiated intimacy, a simple “no” from women would be an emphatic yes to real connection. Men would be perplexed at first, demanding an explanation. If a woman were educated properly to explain how her no is actually a yes to real connection, the man would be educated and incentivized to make positive changes that strengthen his future relationships. The more committed we are to relationships, the more committed to new life we will be.

In order to connect with women, men have to practice deep and meaningful connection without exception. Porn reroutes a man’s desire for intimacy and couples it with a lifeless screen. Women are not lifeless screens. They need a man who can pay attention to her nuances and subtleties, and a man who can tend to her feelings, needs and desires. Practicing pornography is a one-way inversion of intimacy that disconnects a man from real-world relationships. Pornography trains a man to place pleasure before relationships, so, men who engage in pornographic viewing will not be committed to the relationship, but to the pleasure within. As soon as pleasure wanes even a bit, that poorly trained man will look outside of the relationship.

*I speak from the man’s perspective because 2/3 of users are men. That said, the same concepts apply to women and pornography

Connection and relationships are the theme of this message, so I’d like to address women’s rights. There can be no subjugation of a woman that does not commensurately affect a man. There is no degradation of a man that does not then negatively impact a woman. Whether we like to believe it or not, we are all connected. For a woman to feel equally free to trash meaningful connection, men should be just as concerned. We cannot survive without each other. As men go, so do women. As women go, so do men. We must have relationships with each other, otherwise our species would not propagate, and there would be no chance to experience this beautiful life.

So, I implore you to think less of women’s rights and more of relationship rights. If you step off of an 80 foot balcony, as a general rule, you will succumb to gravity. If you weaken the bonds of connection through pleasure fixation, your relationships will fall apart. Outside of relationships, we have no value. Outside of rich relationships, our bodies deteriorate and our minds falter. Outside of relationships built on meaningful connection, insecurity develops; jealousy develops; fear develops. Outside of meaningful relationships, we fall victim to fear, and fear leads to violence. So, it is a fundamental right and privilege to plan our relationships, and to experience life richly by strengthening their connections.

It is a responsibility to educate ourselves and our communities on relationships. When we strengthen our relationships, we make room for new life. Let’s value our ability to create. Let’s value our ability to cultivate the kind of relationships that speak of life. Let’s create upstream solutions to abortion together by committing to relationship education.

 

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7.2 Billion and Counting…

7.2 billion and counting…

Have you ever thought that there are just too many of us on this planet? Like we are the bane of good things and life itself?  It’s something we’ve been programmed to think through propaganda attacks. Think of buzzwords like- Veganism- Global Warming (cow farts)- Food Crises- Overpopulation, Individual Carbon Footprint and all the rest that makes us feel bad for being alive.

All of these words prey upon human emotion to elicit reactive action into contrived outlets: Get a prius, no grass on lawns, move to the city, stop eating meat, etc.  Are the popular options for our current crises really for our benefit?  Our emotions are important, but when we rely solely on them, logic tends to escape us and so does our freedom. So, let’s dive a little deeper into population overload, climate change, sustainability, and our part to play in it all
Urbanization and industrialization have been the blights of our world, not humans themselves. Capitalism and reckless profit have forsaken us, but those are ideas and not humans themselves. You can solve the human dilemma through mass extinction, but that wouldn’t be nearly as fun or rewarding as the educational adventure that I have in mind.

The massive accumulations of food and wealth that have allowed for such an inflated population have been withdrawn from our soil without repayment. This has nothing to do with human reproduction, but thought reproduction. We didn’t achieve “new and improved” farming techniques to support a growing population; we grew an unsustainable population out of an unsustainable food glut that resulted from unsustainable and harmful farming techniques that lead to massive physical assets. Whew. Now, is there a way to resolve this situation without further damage to soil and extreme population reduction?

I think there is, and it’s called regenerative agriculture. It doesn’t involve tilling, it doesn’t involve massive government subsidies, it doesn’t use harmful chemicals that destroy soil biodiversity, you don’t have to buy fictitious carbon credits, and it is something you have power over.

It is something that sequesters carbon from the atmosphere and into the land. It is something that brings water back to the land and aquifers. It is something that brings nutrition back into our food. It is something that solves global warming, and all you have to do is learn about it. Once you learn about regenerative agriculture and holistic management, you’re hooked on life for life. Our life begins and ends in the soil, so, what is keeping you from diving in?

Regenerative agriculture has been proven to grow topsoil anywhere from a 1/2 inch to over an inch a year. Without human intervention, this process would take thousands of years. RA is an antidote to the hysteria from reports like- “Only 20 years of topsoil remaining; Kill your babies!”.

Everything you hear on the news is to make you feel guilty for existing and for not driving a Prius (but they’re so lame!) We are humans and we deserve to live abundantly like the other animals. If we get smart about the soil, we can reclaim our dignity and value as “Human Beings- Stewards of the Earth.” Yep, I just gave each and everyone of you a superhero title. Pick up your cape (and overalls) and run with it.

We have siphoned the wealth from the soil, and here it sits atop the earth, unprotected from the sun and scavengers, while the soil dies. Is human reproduction to blame for this, or, is it a lack of education?

Our massive population is not a sign that we need to stop reproducing. Rather it signals us to live with the land and not against it. We cannot do that unless we know her intimately through experiential education. Dig in the soil! Become familiar with terms like “glomalin”, “pore space” “water cycle”, “mycorrhizal fungi” and “mineral cycle.” Realize that the soil is living, that our life depends on it, and with everything we do, we are either killing it or growing it.

Visit a cover cropping farm that supports soil formation and water retention. Check out a ranch that practices holistic management. See how cows help water and seeds to make it in the soil for plants to grow. Plants inhale carbon for breakfast and then gift it back to our soil where it belongs– ruminant animals are crucial to this process. Learn about what it is that you have to do as a person to live with the natural cycles of the earth. Then, share that knowledge with your children. Enrich your soil and enrich your life.

Before you blame human reproduction for this mess we’re in, look at the fastest means of reproduction known to man: Thoughts. Before you blame our nature for the plight we share, search the thoughts in your mind that build our world. Think about what we need to live a life of abundance– we need healthy soil, food, shelter, water, and relationships. That’s about it.

It starts with the soil. Until we change our individual impact on soil ecology, we are just as complicit in global warming, food shortages, drought, and war as any corporation or government. Until we support the soil with our thoughts and actions, we are up shit creek without a popsicle stick.

Get educated on how you can play your part in a healthy and thriving ecosystem today. No government can or will force us to live peacefully with the earth. So, it is up to us to apprise ourselves of what we need to do, and then act.

Find out what you can do today by reading Kristen Ohlsen’s book, ‘The Soil Will Save Us.’ Check out Judy Schwartz’s book, ‘Cows Save The Planet’. Learn more about the importance of cows in our ecosystem and food supply by reading Nicolette Hahn Niman’s (former vegetarian environmental lawyer), ‘Defending Beef’. Visit the Savory Institute on the web, or discover Holistic Management International. Whatever it is you have to do to become educated in our survival…do it! It’s fun, trust me.

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10 Questions For Deeper Intimacy In Your Relationships

I regard intimacy as the closeness that keeps relationships together. Because of how highly social we are, we need a substantial amount of intimacy to keep our relationships together. The deeper our bonds of intimacy are, the more we are connected to our families and communities. When bonds of intimacy weaken, our families and communities fly apart.

 

Now, for such an important thing as intimacy, we’ve been taught surprisingly little about how it works and what goes to make it. So, I’ve come up with some questions that will help you to determine the best ways to increase intimacy in your relationships.

 

1– Is this in my best interest? Is this in the best interest of my family and children? Is this in the best interest of my future?

 

2– Am I doing the best that I can do in this moment and in this relationship? Am I learning more about what I have to offer through this relationship? Am I freer to give of myself through this relationship?

 

3– Am I committing more to the person I’m with or the feeling I get through that person?  If I couldn’t feel anything from this person, would their actions alone be worth sticking around for?

 

Intimacy is less of a feeling and more of an action. The amazing feelings accompanied with intimacy are driven by the actions of a person. So, if the necessary intimate actions aren’t abundant in your relationship, the feelings will fade. (The actions of intimacy are detailed later- read on!)

 

4– Is the way I’m relating to my partner helping to strengthen my human connection?  Do I sacrifice connection with my family, friends or my community to maintain relations with my partner?

 

The only thing we’re asked to sacrifice in relationships is fleeting pleasures, and that is only so we can build lasting happiness.  If your relationships are reducing your connection with family, friends and community, please reconsider your goals within them.

 

5– Am I living in transcendent happiness or conditional pleasure?  Am I dependent 0n my partner for happiness?  Do I find myself wishing my partner would change to accommodate my desires?

 

If you become dependent on others for your happiness, they will let you down and you will blame them; This has a negative impact on intimacy. If you are dependent on yourself for happiness, you can appreciate the treasures that others bring into your life while always having control of your outcome.

 

6– Am I freer to love and thrive through my sexuality?  Have I gone against my own intuition to achieve sexual gratification?  Do I battle uncertainty and unease when it comes to my sexual relationships?

 

Sexual relationships aren’t the place for uncertainty and insecurity, for sure. Sexual relationships lead to the creation of new life, which has profound need for certainty and security. Sexual relationships are highly bonding, so it is unwise to bond with insecurity and uncertainty.

I know, this has not-so-subtle undertones of responsibility and obligation (gasp). We have been taught to run from sexual responsibility so that we can invest heavily in the passing pleasure that ultimately destroys our happiness. To me, that idea is passé. It doesn’t serve us, so I choose to move on and embrace the freedom of responsibility.

 

7– Are my relationships strengthening my community or are they weakening it?  Am I brought closer to my community and the ones I love through my romantic relationships?

 

8– Do I believe that humans have a right to lasting happiness and fulfillment in relationships? If so, do I feel like I’m capable?  If I don’t feel capable, what things could I do to change that?  If I don’t believe in such a right, how might my family history have shaped that belief? How might my culture have shaped that belief?

 

 

9– How can I plan to maximize my success in relationships? What beliefs and practices must I engage in to provide my best self to the relationships I desire?  What important areas have I overlooked when it comes to my success in relationships?

 

Just like anything else as a human being, relationship success requires planning. If you aren’t actively setting and achieving goals with your partner, you are passively awaiting the dissolution of that relationship.

 

Some common areas that people overlook when entering and engaging in relationships are many of these questions that you’ve reviewed. Another important area is family history:  What is their family like?  How do they get along?  More importantly, what is your family like?  What embedded patterns might you have to overcome to achieve freedom and success in your relationships?

 

10– Am I free to sustain a committed and happy relationship, or, am I bound to conditional pleasure? If I am bound to conditional pleasure, how can I free myself?  What are some indicators of freedom and happiness in relationships?

 

One important indicator is Sexual Freedom.  People who are free sexually are people who don’t have to worry about any part of their sexuality. People who are free sexually are clear of any worries of STDs. They have no concept of ‘Pregnancy Scare’, because they embrace and respect their procreative capacity. They are free to love fearlessly and courageously with their bodies, and that doesn’t happen by accident.

 

*Important to note is that freedom as a human is brought about by planning.  If you don’t plan extensively and effectively for your relationships you will be bound to unintended consequences like : unplanned children, STDs, diminishing intimacy, guilt at wishing your partner would change, waning commitment, etc.

Intimacy is the most important part of freedom in relationships, so, let’s take a closer look at it.

 

 

Intimacy

 

For a working definition, intimacy is the closeness that keeps relationships, families and communities together. Incredibly, real intimacy is something that you plan for and it can permeate every aspect of our lives, not just our sexuality. There are certain factors that you have to build and maintain to achieve intimacy, especially in sexual relationships. If you neglect those areas, you will falter and search for intimacy’s counterfeit in the arms of people you do not know.

 

Intimacy requires trust, respect, admiration, edification, humility and growth.  In order to be intimate with someone, you have to be comfortable. But, just because you are comfortable with someone doesn’t mean you are intimate.

 

People lose intimacy in their relationships when they become frustrated and agitated at all of the ways the feel toward their partner. It is impossible to feel comfortable around someone whom you are routinely angry at, bored with, frustrated at, disappointed by, etc. And, if you aren’t comfortable, you cannot be intimate.

 

What is not widely known or acknowledged is our capability in choosing and transforming those emotions which determine our status of comfort and intimacy.

 

Two Options, One Solution

 

There are two options at the point of decreased intimacy, but only one real solution.  One option is to dismiss the importance of the relationship and seek out comfort in someone you know nothing about.  This is labeled as an option because it is not the solution. Choosing this option will perpetuate the cycle, leading to more loss of intimacy and more broken relationships. It is destructive to relationships, which is destructive to families and the community. You can change your definition of brokenness or failure, which most people are wont to do. Or, you can choose a solution.

 

The other option is also the solution. The solution is to regard your spouse as the mirror to your deepest inner world.  When you do this, you realize that it is not them you are angry with or disappointed by, but only yourself. When you do this, you feel no guilt at wishing the other person to change, but only empowerment to change the situation yourself.  The thoughts go from, “What can they do?” to “What can I do?”  With the first thought, you are helpless and hopeless. With the second, you are in control and in charge of your feelings and destiny.

 

Angry? Annoyed? Disappointed? Bored? Frustrated? Infuriated?  How much better is it to be in charge of changing those emotions, rather than waiting for someone to change to accommodate you?  How much more intimate can you be with someone who you regard as the key to your growth?  How much more imitate can you be with someone who helps you become the man or woman you are capable of being? How much greater can intimacy be when both partners are able to express their emotions freely without fear of rejection or attack?

 

This is why humility, trust, respect, admiration and growth are so critical to intimacy. Without them, there is no freedom or comfort to express your deepest self. After all, the word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus, which means: inmost, innermost. Now it is easy to see what intimacy’s counterfeit is. If it isn’t the inmost or innermost, it is not intimacy.

 

The key difference maker is your perception.  It is your choice to perceive a situation as a gateway to personal growth, or as just another excuse to feel a certain way towards someone.  Either way, you will get what you are looking for.

 

Simple Advice

 

My simplest advice for increasing intimacy:  Question your emotions.  Rather than blindly accepting the fact that someone else is making you feel a certain way, ask, “Is this feeling a reflection of something inside of me?”  If that feeling does stem from your inner world, you would never know if you didn’t ask the question first. If you do ask the question, you are the one who has the power to answer it and change it.

 

Intimacy is important. The more social the animal becomes, the more it relies on intimacy to maintain relationships and social structure.  When we look at other creatures, we feel lucky at the deep and rich connection that we get to experience sexually and otherwise, but this capacity for intimacy is a privilege.

 

When we regard intimacy is just another drug that we can get high off of, everyone loses; the community loses. When we take responsibility for the privilege of creating intimacy and sharing it with our families, everyone wins; the community wins. If you ask these questions for yourself and your relationships, you will be taking direct responsibility for the intimacy in your life. When you ask these questions, you, your relationships, your family and your community will all come out with a big win.

 

 

 

 

A note from the author:

Most relationship experts would have you accept their words as doctrine, but I don’t want to be your voice. I want to help you find your voice so that you don’t have to listen to anyone else who could lead you off the cliff. I want you to live a life of beautiful simplicity. I want you to be able to shed the confusion and complexity that we have come to associate with modern romance. So, I ask you the questions that only you can answer to transform your life.

Have any questions for me?  Please get in touch!

‘Freeing Your Other Half’– Free Download!

Freeing Your Other Half

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Freeing Your Other Half (How To Achieve Whole Love)– click here to download!

My newest book is now available for PDF download for FREE!!! This is for a limited time, so grab your copy and heal your relationships on the cheap…If you’re into that sort of thing.

This book originally started as a conversation with my best friend during a relationship crisis. After half a year of building on the original conversation, I’m happy to share the finished product with you today. In this book you will find wisdom, inspiration, humor and action steps to help you take charge of your relationship destiny. It is my gift to you, and my effort to help create the peaceful and secure families and communities that we need now.

Also, this free book launch is an effort to raise funds for a printed publishing of ‘Freeing Your Other Half’. I intend on doing a book tour at schools and colleges throughout the southwest to spread the message of “relationship education”, as I like to call it. If you found it useful for your own relationships, please donate any amount you’d like to my indiegogo campaign.

Thanks, and be well! Daniel

5 Old-Style Ways to Be a Better Man

 

New post for the Good Men Project!

 

5 Old-Style Ways to Be a Better Man

 

When it comes to ideas for self-improvement, modern man Daniel Dowling turns to the tried and true. And so can you.
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We’ve all heard ‘em before. They’re old as sin and common as hydrogen, but they’re all true. We’ve heard these old sayings so many times that we repel them, like water from a duck’s back. But, if we take another look with a curious attitude, they can do a lot for us. Let’s revisit some of these old-but-good-’uns and allow them to inspire our lives.
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1. Do one good deed a day
This one isn’t just for Boy Scouts; it’s for man scouts too. Following this simple guideline will keep you attentive to others’ needs and connected to your community. Doing good things for other people is what good men do best. So, set a daily alert: One thing to do for another that isn’t attached to your interests. In this one deed you will find persistence, integrity, selflessness, thoughtfulness, kindness, creativity, and dare I say, sheer manliness. This one thing will keep you occupied and useful to others for the rest of your life, which is every man’s dream.

2. Practice like you preach
Don’t advise others to do a thing until you’ve integrated it into your identity.
I’m guilty of disobeying this one occasionally. But, the feelings of guilt are always a reminder to get back to congruity. We are strong, virtuous, loyal and influential men of integrity. Many people look up to us for inspiration and direction in their lives. We have a responsibility to guide these young men and women to meaning and significance, but it’s also a privilege. There is nothing that I value more than being a role model and difference maker in the lives of others, but it comes at the cost of eternal vigilance. Don’t advise others to do a thing until you’ve integrated it into your identity.

3. Patience is a virtue
This one often conjures up a 90-year-old butterscotch candy-chewing man with a cane, waiting in line at the bank, but patience is more profound than that. Patience is an extraordinary combination of gentleness, firmness, hope, loyalty, resilience and strength wrapped up in one common word.

Patience is helping your four-year-old spell out the word ste-go-saur-us a hundred times before he gets it right, and loving every minute of it.
Patience is weathering an emotional flurry from the woman you love most while showing her just how much she can depend on you. Patience is helping your four-year-old spell out the word ste-go-saur-us a hundred times before he gets it right, and loving every minute of it. Patience is seeing your dreams through to reality while tending to your family and work. Patience is what every good woman looks for in a lasting relationship with a man. I think boring ole’ patience just got a lot sexier.

4. Love is more than a feeling
If the band ‘Boston’ didn’t ruin this one for you, maybe your mom did when you were dating in high school. But, it’s true; love is a state of being and an action. A feeling is not always a state of being. For example, I can feel good all day but not actually be good. I can also feel lowly and unappreciated when I’m actually respected and valued in my community.

If you’re worried about not feeling enough love for somebody, then shift your focus to being love to that person.
Feelings come and go, but reality is consistent and built from your actions. If you’re worried about not feeling enough love for somebody, then shift your focus to being love to that person. It’s amazing how changing your actions can also change your feelings. Feeling hopeless? Give hope to someone else. Feeling useless? Get up and be useful in the unique ways that makes you you. Be a man. Be love.

5. Try, try again
This one might as well be called, “Trite and trite again.” But really, isn’t triteness up to our perception? No matter how many times it is said, never giving up will always lead to your greatest success. That is, unless you are attempting a toxic relationship for the fifth time …. Might want to call that one quits! (I should know…)
Have you heard about the gold miner who stopped three feet short of a multimillion dollar payload? Don’t let that guy be you. If you are fully passionate about a thing, if you’ve decided that this will be your mark on the world, and if you’ve given it all you’ve got … keep going. The greatest success always comes a step or two after your biggest defeat. Try, try again.

♦◊♦

Beauty and truth are more common than we think, but the willingness to seem them is rare indeed. I hope this article has inspired you to take more gems like the ones here and make them your own.

 

– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-old-style-ways-to-be-a-better-modern-man-fiff/#sthash.Inh0CkkW.dpuf

Intelligent Solutions to Sexual Desire

“In fact, a 2011 British study found that men who view porn may crave intimacy and closeness more than nonusers do, suggesting that porn isn’t just an escape from connection but could also be part of the search for it.” — Excerpt from a Men’s Health article. 

Is this a joke? Meth addicts crave the pleasure of meth more than non-users. The further you distance yourself from a thing, like intimate connection, the more you will crave it. If you seek that unintelligently, like with porn, you will crave more and enjoy less, much like any other drug.

Porn usage stems from the deepest desire to connect intimately. It just happens to be the most unintelligent way, because it dampens the ability to connect with a woman in real life. Instead of desire leading to reciprocity, meaningful connection, and bonding, in the case of porn, it connects a beautiful sexual desire to a lifeless screen. This is no connection at all. This has no meaning, and it detracts from a person’s ability to relate with real people in healthy ways.

Guys- If you want to have a lasting and meaningful connection with your wives, would you want to prepare for that by: A- practicing transient and empty connections with a screen? Or B- Sharpening your ability to relate with family, friends and your community?

Simply put, pornographic viewing is an unintelligent and ugly response to a supremely intelligent and beautiful natural desire. What would be more appealing for your future spouses- a man tucked away in a dark corner, zombied-out, refining his own narcissism and ability to objectify women? Or, a man who is moved by sexual desire to fill his life and all of his connections with meaning, creativity and purpose? A man who channels his sexual desire into his work and his own edification? The latter man is inspired by all beautiful women to respect and honor; he is preparing for the deep connection that we desire and require in marriage. All women deserve this type of man. It is a shame that “normal” male behavior has been inverted to destroy intimacy and degrade women. Women- do not allow this in your relationships. Men- Transcend this. You were born to cherish women, to protect them, to serve them, to honor them and to know them. You cannot appreciate what you do not know. You cannot know if you cannot connect.

Don’t try to let any ”research” convince you of what your heart knows is false. That is an uphill battle, and everyone loses. Women are to be respected, cherished and admired. They are here to share the adventure of life with abundantly and adventurously. There is no adventure in pornography- that fleeting pleasure is all too known, from the road to it, the passing pleasure, and the emptiness after.

To commit to a woman for life as a married couple is the adventure of a lifetime; each day unknown, each child unknown, and each solution to the many challenges of life altogether unknown. The unknown and the mystery is the richness of life. It is what makes life novel and worth living. It is what makes sex better each time for truly committed partners even into the golden years (that is a real phenomenon- look it up).

But you must be prepared to face it courageously and intelligently, otherwise, you will settle for a trite series of faded pleasure and regret.. You must plan for this adventure, or you will end up staying home, masturbating to an empty screen and severing your connection with life itself.

The Art of Love- Part II

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Thinking Is Our Nature

Our brains are not a luxury, but they are essential to our existence as human beings.

Where it is perfectly natural for a dog or a cat or a bat or a frog to bump uglies without batting an eye, it is absolutely unnatural for us. When those other animals have sex without thinking, their lives go on perfectly and there are no devastating affects. If there were, it would be wholly unfair because they simply lack the capacity to plan and prepare.

We, on the other hand, suffer extreme and ill consequences when we don’t use all of our intelligence to prepare for sexual relationships. If we didn’t suffer those consequences (broken families, heartache, loneliness, despondency, social upheaval, etc), we wouldn’t be human.

But, we are. We are human. You are human, so stop blaming relationship woes on love. We can do it like animals, but we must think and plan first, unlike the other animals. It’s not such a bad deal though, because when we do plan for our relationships, we discover purpose in life.

Our talents, our passions and greatest joys are unlocked in the preparation, and this is called chastity. Chastity is not celibacy or abstinence, because chastity is not defined by what you don’t do, whereas the other two are. The other two are boring, pointless, and nobody has time to talk about them.

 

Chastity Redefined

Chastity, on the other hand, is about what you do. Chastity is about mastering your sexual desire so that you can experience lasting love, fulfillment and peace in relationships and life without compromise. When you have mastered sexual desire, there is no thought of ‘not’, like “not having sex”, because “not” isn’t the point. “Not” isn’t the adventure. The adventure lies in channeling your sexual desire creatively into all of your life, and not just waiting for sex. Pleasantly enough, chastity includes the best sex imaginable, but only after a true marriage of body mind and soul.

My sexual desire is channeled creatively through my work and my life. I help men and women prepare for each other in lasting marriage through the desire for my wife, and I am absolutely inspired. I’m sure she will be impressed! I count on that, in fact. Every time I see a beautiful woman, I see someone else’s husband, and I see an amazing opportunity to educate both sexes to prepare for the lasting fulfillment and joy that we were made to experience.

Our bodies thrive when we are happy. Our immunity is strong, and our minds are sharp when we are relaxed and happy. This is a testament to the fact that we were not born to live lives of occasional peaks in pleasure, brokenness and pain, but lives of lasting joy and peace. You can’t have that lasting joy and peace if you accept divorce and brokenness as your lot. But, that is what you will get for lack of a better plan. Solution: Plan better

I experience my wife in all of my activities. When I make a lot of money through my work, I am experiencing the abundance that I know I will share with her and my children. When I am taking care of my body and exercising, I know that I am sculpting a beautiful gift to give to the one I will love and cherish for the rest of my life. Sex is important, so I’m inspired to give her the sexiest man that I can be. Sex connects loving couples and helps them persist through the tough times that life throws at us.

 

Sexual Freedom and Sexual Slavery- Your Decision

 

Sex is not meant to bond us to people who have no interest in our lasting happiness. Sex in that context becomes sexual slavery. How many people have you known to persist in obviously toxic relationships when reason and common sense would tell a person to flee? Sex can be seriously awesome, or seriously damaging. That is all dependent on our perception of it; how we plan for it.

When I am inspired by the sheer beauty of a passing woman, I experience gratitude for my wife, who I will be moved by infinitely more. It’s something to look forward to, and it is something worth believing in. I also see my children in that desire, and so I’m naturally propelled to succeed and live an inspired life. For you women- You want an inspiring husband, right? And you want your children to have an inspiring Papa, Right? So encourage your male friends to change their perceptions of what you are and what you mean to them, and help them to channel their inspiration in creative ways that leaves you, and them, with more.

Love always leaves more; love is fruitful. Acting on lust will leave you with less, and it will also leave your children with less. Love=Peace, Lust=war. We lust after the middle east’s oil, so we make war. If your relationships aren’t leaving you with more, I encourage you to try another way. I encourage you to actually plan for the success that you desire in a relationship.

 

Make Your Plan

Seriously, get a pen and paper. Write all the traits down that you won’t compromise on in yourself and in your mate.  Map out the milestones you want to hit before you commit to someone for the reset of your life.  For me, I knew that I wanted to be honest 100 percent of the time before I was committed to another person for life, so I committed to honesty every day to prepare myself.  Include your relationship success in your weekly plans, and make time for the personal growth you must earn to achieve the dream.

If you don’t have a plan, you will only get what you wouldn’t plan for.  Who plan’s for divorce, hollowness, misery, broken-down kids, and all that junk?  That stuff happens for lack of a better plan, and only you have the power to change that.

If you want to have meaningful and lasting connection with your spouse, practice meaningful and lasting connections. If you practice superficial and transient connections, like with pornography, you will prepare your brain to do the same with your wife.  If you practice viewing all women with dignity, respect, honor, and attentiveness to their feelings, then your wife will have the benefit of a real man who can last and grow with her.  She deserves that gift, and you deserve her presence.  So, practice for her.

Next time you see a beautiful woman, practice the thoughts that you know will lead to lasting happiness and meaningful connection.  Be grateful for the beauty you observe, and for your sexuality. Practice thoughts of gratitude, appreciation, respect and encouragement.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  Would you wish that your spouse prepare herself for you? Would you want your husband or wife to be dedicated to you through and through? Think of it like this: If your partner is making sure the he or she is staying true and refining their love for you on a daily basis, how likely would they be to throw away all of that hard work and dedication for a fleeting feeling later down the road?  Relationships fail for a lack of commitment, so if you practice commitment, you will succeed.

Conversely, if your future spouse isn’t preparing for you and honoring you by valuing themselves and practicing commitment, how likely would they be to step outside of a relationship later on? Statistically it is around a 60% percent chance, but that says nothing of the unhappily married couples who rue the day of their wedding.

 

Freedom in Lasting Relationships

As men and women, we are free in relationships through marriage. Free as in: free from vice, free from losers who only want you for your body, free from want, free from lust, free from heartbreak, and free from knowing that you could have done better.

The freedom of marriage is only an extension of the freedom secured through preparing for it. Through the commitment of marriage, a person frees themselves to be part of a team that creates new love and ensures a happy home for it in their bodies and in their house. Through marriage, a person is free to be fulfilled and secure, and they are free to share that with the next generation.

Through marriage, the masterpiece of your love is shared with your family. Those who come after you will have your masterpiece to elaborate on, or at least use as a template for their very own. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a vast privilege that we are in charge of in this very moment. We have been given everything that we need to be happy and content beyond measure if only we make up our minds to live that way; if only we prepare to live that way.

If you don’t practice love and if you count on luck to save you from your own inadequacy, any marriage that you enter will be false. It will be a farce, and it will be viewed as a restriction to your “sexual freedom”. Would you want your spouse to view you as a safety from loneliness and as a consolation prize?  Or, would you want your spouse to live courageously and thoughtfully so that they would have the enormous privilege of sharing a life in love with you? The difference is night and day, and it comes down to a simple choice: to love, or not. That decision gets easier and easier with practice.

I sure as heck wouldn’t want to marry you if you regarded me as a consolation, as settling. Any person with an interest in happiness would think similarly. The law of attraction always applies, so please think of your children. Would you want them to grow up viewing a lackluster and false representation of what love says and does? You and your spouse will be the first and foremost example of love in your children’s lives. If you make that example a good one and if you make it true, you will be a living peacemaker.

 

Take Charge

When love is lucky, love is cruel. When love is lucky, love favors some and not others. When love is lucky, love is a lie and it isn’t worth believing in.

For many generations, people have gradually and incrementally externalized their power to love in different icons and concepts, all of them false, leaving us today with a completely inverted perception of what it means to love. You may not realize how important you are, but I do. Believe in something better for yourself; you are worth it, and you are capable of it. Create the peace that you desire in this world, in this lifetime. Believe in the art of love, and believe in your capability of perfecting it with practice. Believe in marriage, and the freedom and healing that comes through it.

 

For me, there is no higher honor than being blessed with the capability of creating new life. For every life, there is a unique facet of love that has the power to change the world and impact the lives of many. To have the power to create this immensely important thing is nothing short of miraculous, and that means that you are a miracle. Your mom and dad are miracles. Your husbands and wives are miracles. Your children to be are miracles.

Take the responsibility for love seriously and make it a certainty by practicing; by preparing. Challenge yourself to make something better than what has been labeled “ normal” by our current society. Do something different. Make your relationships part of your lasting masterpiece.

If you’re having trouble and need some support, get in touch with me at dowlingwriter.com

The Art of Love- Part I



Holding Hands

 

 

Newsflash! Lasting and successful relationships do not happen incidentally!

They are planned for, and are worked hard to achieve and maintain. If you associate work with a dead end job that you toil at to pay bills, that may not seem like such a great deal. But, if you realize that your work can also be your passion, you’ll have it made to the end of your days.

One reason that people shy away from the responsibility of planning and committing to the relationship of their dreams is that they believe love is lucky.

People tend to see lasting success in relationships as lucky. They’ll say “Lucky in Love”, while shaking their heads and half smiling, perhaps thinking wistfully of the loves they’ve lost. When people think of this common saying, they attribute the success of love to luck. Just dumb, random luck.

This serves two purposes:

1. It helps to externalize the responsibility for one’s own failure in relationships by attributing success to the concept of luck.

2. It allows a person to be complacent in their thinking and actions by placing faith in the external, which is the concept of luck. It’s almost like waiting to win the lottery.

“Americans see themselves not as an exploited proletariat, but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” John Steinbeck

People just as readily view themselves as temporarily embarrassed lovers. Luck will save them, and then they’ll be happy like the other lucky ones.

Here is the deal… There is no such thing as lucky in love, but only love. When you live love and practice on yourself in preparation for your spouse, it is the universal law of attraction that assures you will be coupled with a person of equal goodness. The better you are at something, the luckier you will appear to another who hasn’t put time and practice into a thing. Luck is only an illusion of the unpracticed. The aphorism, “love is more than a feeling” is trite but true. If you have failed in relationships and are looking for a better way, practice the love you wish to receive on yourself. 

Practice Like You Want to Play

Practice makes perfect. When you practice love and perfect the art of love, the good feelings that come with love will be a natural and beautiful part of the masterpiece of your life. Does slipshod craftsmanship and half-assed artistry inspire anyone? Neither will your life evoke the feelings you desire unless you approach it with a dedication to the art of making love. Until you are uplifted naturally by your own masterpiece, you will accept temporary highs as the best you can get. Sadly, relationships that aren’t part of your masterpiece of love will fall under the temporary highs, and they will have no substance to inspire a lasting and fruitful love. Temporary highs lead to lows when they fade away, and that low is not something that anyone would hope for or practice.

How are your practicing love on yourself? How are you practicing love in your relationships? How are your practicing love in your work? What colours are you painting your masterpiece with? Are you dedicating time and space to the skill of love? Are you dedicating thought and quiet to plan your masterpiece?

I’ve found that rather than practicing the skill of love and attracting the love of their lives, people have been conditioned to settle for distractions that bring them a temporary feeling.

The reasoning goes something like this- “Hey, if love is lucky and I have to wait my turn, I might as well feel good while I wait!” No one wants to feel bad, so it is natural to tend towards feel-good things without a long term plan.

While you are using another person for the chemicals you allow yourself to feel around them, you are practicing the opposite of love, which is fear. You are practicing hiding from the reality that you are the one who is responsible for the fulfillment in your life with someone who very well could be the love of someone else’s life! It’s pretty awful. I’ve been there, you’ve been there, and we’ve all been brought up in this way. With the divorce rate at over 60% and paltry levels of marriage satisfaction, it’s time we choose a better way.

We have to practice how we want to play, there is no other way about it. If you practice hiding from love in the comfort of other people’s bodies, you won’t be prepared to accept it when it does come around.

The Art of Love- Your Masterpiece

Turn to the art of love today, and concentrate on adding to your masterpiece. You can’t paint this life work if you don’t practice, so look in the mirror and see your canvas. Stop distracting yourself from the big game and start preparing. A dream without a plan will always remain just that; a dream. Reality is built on your plans, so don’t waste another moment.

Be inspired to build the love that you envision and hope for. As you practice on yourself, you’ll start to notice that you naturally open up to others, and your interactions become more about giving. If you desire to give yourself the health, happiness and success you deserve, you’ll have more energy and more desire to fill those same needs in the people around you. The Law of Attraction says that you will find yourself in similar company eventually, but give it time. Practice your masterpiece to make it perfect.

You don’t want to give anything less than the best of yourself for your spouse and your children. You don’t want to look at your broken kids after a divorce and say, “I could have done better.” It’s common for children to say to their parents after divorce, “Why didn’t you just try harder?” So that you don’t have to experience that anguish, I have a preventative question- Why don’t you just plan smarter?

 

Simple Logic

The simple logic goes like this- If you practice temporary satisfaction in relationships, you have no choice but to let yourself down when it comes to longterm expectations. If I expected a virtuoso performance from myself the next time I have a guitar show but did not practice every day in preparation, I would let myself and my audience down.

This doesn’t mean that dating and getting to know a potential mate has to be dull and painful. In fact, it is just the opposite, but it does require a perception change. If you fully believe that there is no point in a relationship outside of fleeting sexual satisfaction, you will find friendship before marriage contemptible. If you believe that discovering more of yourself and you partner before marriage is an adventure and a privilege, then you will be fulfilled and completely content in the friendships you engage in while always having more to offer.

If you are committed to your own lasting fulfillment in life, you will not prematurely give yourself to another who has a different agenda; they will leave you empty and alone. If your agenda happens to be temporary pleasure, you have absolutely no shot at a lasting and significant relationship. A fixation to the feelings that you think a partner gives you, sexually and otherwise, will distract you from the truth of their being. To even care about the truth of someone else, you must first seek to know the truth of yourself.

 

Love Knows No Fear

Outside of marriage, you will not find that truth in someone else’s body, nor will they in yours. If truth and lasting happiness could be found through sex, everyone who had sex would also find lasting marriages. This clearly is not the case. In a real marriage founded on mutual respect, admiration, honesty and commitment, sex is the truth because that couple desires their love to grow and expand. When the truth of such a couple’s love leads to sex, there is never any fear of the life that can come through their love because love does not know fear.

Most people settle for less then complete respect, admiration, attraction, honesty and love because they don’t believe they are worth it. This is no coincidence, because if our parent’s broke up, they are telling us that we aren’t valuable enough to stay together for. We need two loving parents, so the message of divorce resonates clearly, though not loudly, in our minds as children. In order to believe in such a way that enables you to experience the richness of fulfilling and lasting love, you have to reprogram yourself. The best way to do that is to start a different dialogue with yourself.

When you see yourself in the mirror, see and say “worthy”. See and say “value”. See and say “respectable.” See and say as many positive things about yourself and about what you deserve as you can. Do this every day, several times a day and make it a habit. Do it until you can no longer accept inferior offerings from people who don’t have your lasting fulfillment in mind. Then, do it until you die! What a happy and satisfying death that will be, I guarantee you. Life is what we make of it, and our life is built from our thoughts.

 

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire as a human is perfected through sex only when love is present. Love is life, and our love creates new human life to experience and create in different ways yet unknown. In the case of two fearless people in marriage, sex is an adventure into the unknown. For them, sex is perfect and sex is the truth. In their case, each sexual experience is an adventure in love, and because of this, the sex gets better each time, even into the golden years! (This is a real phenomenon- google it)

In another instance, where two people fear the life that they could potentially create through, they suppress their ability to create human life. Instead of sex being loving and adventurous, it becomes trite and all too known. This is one reason so many people’s sex lives fizzle in no time flat. It seems strange that many 80 year-old couples are experiencing immensely greater sexual satisfaction than 20 somethings…Unless you factor in love. Love renews, and lust just dies.

Creating new human life is inarguably the coolest thing in the world, ask your parents. No matter their great accomplishments, you are the most important achievement in their life. You are your parent’s love expressed fearlessly and courageously, and your talents and impact are unlimited. The ability to create you is powerful, and not to be taken lightly. When that power is wielded without the intelligence we were endowed with, bad things happen. The adventure becomes a broken prison, and the new life becomes a slave to fear.

Have you come to expect anything less than lasting love and fulfillment from your relationships?  This slavery cycle repeats when new life refuses to break out of the prison and accepts its chains as normal decor. These chains are broken families and broken hearts, emptiness, want, and all limiting beliefs about relationships like “marriage is for suckas”. They keep us from achieving our highest potential in life and our relationships if we accept them.

Fortunately, we have incredibly large and powerful brains. Even the most convincing prison isn’t enough to contain us if we have a desire for something better; if we simply cannot accept the chains.