Insecure Girlfriend? Try These 3 Things

Do you have an insecure partner? Try these 3 tips that will transform your relationship

Insecure girlfriend

“What did I do to make her react like this?”

You know the feeling. Insecurity is a black hole that consumes relationships from the inside out. It makes men feel less manly, and women less cherished. Often when we deal with a spouse’s insecurity, the root cause lies much deeper than the surface level problem.

You could be unconsciously giving your partner reasons to be insecure with many “normal” relationship behaviors, so read on to learn about three common blind spots that sabotage relationship security.

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1. Rethink Porn

If you are in a relationship, commitment is what holds you together. You need commitment to feel loved, but women are biologically attuned to commitment; their children depend on it for survival, and women have to carry them. Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes. Watching porn sends the message that your partner isn’t enough, and she will silently compare herself to the plastic and airbrushed bodies in the films. Enter: Envy, Jealousy, and Insecurity.

Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes

If the infinite mystery in a woman’s heart isn’t enough to hold the attention of one man forever, then what will? Women want to be cherished and sought after before anyone and anything else, and they deserve to be. But when porn enters the picture, a woman can’t help but feel less beautiful in your eyes.

Real beauty is the reflection of an internal goodness that radiates outward. So, women who compete with porn not only feel externally insufficient, but unworthy on the inside. If you want to reveal the depth of your commitment, prove it to her by committing your entire being to her; your mind, your heart, your emotions, and your sexuality.

If porn isn’t helping you to become more emotionally connected and intimate with your partner, and if it isn’t boosting her security and self worth, consider ditching it. (If…ha.)

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2. Dial back the physicality

Oftentimes women will give themselves up more than they feel comfortable with to feel safe and loved. But lovemaking that arises from insecurity will only breed more insecurity. If you have any suspicion that your girlfriend or wife initiates sex out of fear of losing you, there are many non-physical ways you can improve your relationship.

Offering a foot rub or back rub (with oil) is a great way to show her how much she is desired, and without any selfish motivation. Non-sexual touching like massages also invites emotional connection, and opens opportunities to talk about sensitive topics.

Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not).

Invite her to connect emotionally through your non-sexual touches, and by being vulnerable with her. Though we don’t feel like it all the time, men can seem hard and inaccessible even when we don’t intend to. Sometimes sharing a concern or a feeling is just what a woman needs to feel safe in sharing her innermost world with you. Once she opens up about her deepest fears and anxieties with you, you will have the information needed to show commitment where she needs it most.

How sex can create insecurity

Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not). Sex was invented long before birth control, and since children have historically been associated with sex, we are hardwired for lasting sexual bonds. Giving your whole body to someone without also giving your whole mind, heart, and future creates an incongruence that slowly eats at a relationship until there’s no security left.

You can rebuild security in a relationship by redoubling your commitment to her mind and heart, and by reserving sex for the deepest commitment to life and love; until sex is a celebration of your growth and commitment together.

Women know that their physical beauty has a shelf life, so their security lies in a partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into their innermost beauty.

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3. Consider her wounds

Since half of marriages end in divorce, there are many young girls grown into women who have emptiness where a father’s love should have been. This is a deep pain that many women would sooner keep buried than to be vulnerable with, but any mistrust of a father figure will translate to mistrust in her partner. And until those wounds are acknowledged and healed, insecurity will continue to surface in a relationship.

A woman needs to feel completely loved and cherished in order to give herself entirely to a man, and an internalized sense of abandonment can prevent her from ever being fully free. If you are in a relationship with such a woman, don’t lose hope. Though it isn’t your responsibility to “fix” her, you can help her by fostering intimacy through vulnerability. When a woman begins to feel the sting of an old wound resurface, she has a tendency of covering it up by closing off entirely, or by unleashing emotionally.

If you have a selfless kind of love, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions

If you are confronted with a weird-seeming emotional response to your actions, try your best not to feel offended. If you feel attacked, withhold your counterattack. Instead, empathize with her need to be secure, and with the roots of her insecurity.

Reflect her emotions back

Oftentimes women need to hear their emotions reflected back to them in order to understand them fully, and to feel understood. Look into the feelings and needs behind her words, and share them with her. “It seems like you’re feeling alone and scared. But I’m here. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything, babe. Why are you hurting like this?” Notice that this dialogue is centered on her emotions and needs. She is the one in need.

The last thing an insecure woman needs to hear is a defensive counterattack, like: “What do you want me to do about it? I never do anything wrong, and you always treat me like a criminal!” Women who express their insecurity are in need of acknowledgement and security in that moment.

Women who haven’t been shown the selfless and cherishing love of a solid father tend to look for validation in the arms of any man who will validate her beauty, whether he is selfless and caring or not. Since fathers care for their daughters in non-sexual ways, it is almost impossible to fill a father wound with a sexual relationship. Especially since so many men are interested in casual relationships, a heavy expectation from a wounded woman can spell trouble even if the man hasn’t given her specific reasons not to trust him.

Conclusion

If you sense problems that you have no hope of solving for your girlfriend, it’s time to seriously reconsider your reason for dating. Trying to fill a gaping father hole will only frustrate you and breed more insecurity in your partner. But if you have a selfless kind of love, and a deep commitment to her greatest good, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions.

Originally published at DowlingWriter.com

Questions From Your Future Wife

 

Your wife exists. Whether you have met her or not, she is living, breathing, thinking, feeling, and being beautiful at this very moment. And you are connected to her. If marriage is part of your future, what you think and do now directly affects your spouse. Could you write a letter to her proudly listing off the sacrifices you are making to be the man for her? Could you tell her all the ways you are preparing for a lifelong commitment right now?

If you can’t, don’t worry. The story of your future is written today, and if your past isn’t exactly sparkling, there is nothing preventing you from improving it. 5 years ago I was addicted to porn and casual relationships; my wife was the furthest thing from my mind. But when I made her a priority, when I built my life to include her, I changed my story. That didn’t happen until I made her real in my mind.

To help make your wife real to you, I took the liberty to contact her for the sake of this article. Yes, each and every single one of you are about to make a direct connection with your wife. And she has some questions for you. (Hey, it’s less creepy than question from the graaaaave)

 

A letter from your future wife

Am I real to you now? If you can’t see me in your mind, what is standing in the way? If you had to climb a mountain, or blow a hole through it to see me, would you? Am I worth the effort? Is our family worth it?

Since we’re in love and married 5 years from now, it’s my obligation to care about what you are doing right now. When I signed up for marriage, I gave all of myself to you: past, present and future. What past will you give to me on our wedding day? Will it be made especially for me? Would you be proud to give it to me, and would you be confident building our future on it? If not, what is keeping you from doing something different today?

What could you do to make our future stronger, more joyful, more secure, and more blissfully in love? You know that I need to feel beautiful, safe, and needed to feel sexy…what are you doing right now to prepare our bed for mind-blowing sex? Do you have a plan for me? Is drooling after naked women part of your plan to respect and cherish me for life? In order to be fully vulnerable with you, I have to know that I am your one and only—mind, spirit, and body.

If I am fully vulnerable with you, there is nothing that can stop our sex from getting better till death do we part. If I know beyond a doubt that you will protect and honor me, I will freely give you everything I have, including the wildest sex you can imagine. And there is no limit to that, except for the thoughts that you carry right now.

 

Your thoughts

Do you think of me when you see other women? Do you see their future husbands too? If I’m so special to you, you can bet those beautiful women have husbands that would die for them too. If you can look at every woman with that level of consideration, I willingly give all of myself to you. And I know you can.

If you and I walked down a street crowded with supermodels, would you show me your thoughts? If I could see your thoughts, what would they say? And would those thoughts be building us up, or tearing us down? Would they be inspired and respectful, or would they be degrading and hurtful? Would you want our sons to think like that? Would you want our daughters to be thought of like that? It doesn’t matter what you thought yesterday as long as you do your best today. Since you know that I’m real right now, all that I care is what you do from this point forward.

I know that you love me, sweetie, so if your thoughts aren’t building our future, please change them. I know it’s a challenge to respect and honor every woman, but I am every woman. Look for me in them. Look for our children in them. The life we have together is worth the effort, trust me.

(author’s note: Hi, Dan here. After your wife said “trust me”, she gave a deeply satisfied and perhaps sexually suggestive look toward you. Thought you should know. Back to your wife)

If I’m going to commit to you for a lifetime, I need to know how deep your love goes, and I want to know that you can be a friend. Next time you are inspired by another woman, I want you to take your thoughts to what you can do for her.

How can you respect her? What can you create to make a world where she feels safe and cherished? How can you remind her of the husband she has yet to meet? How can you restore her faith in men? All these questions will reveal the man that I know you are (I’ve seen the future), so don’t be afraid to ask them.

I ask these things because I know you want other men to think the same things when they see me. If you love me like I know you do, you will treat the future wives of every man with the same dignity you want for me.

I know it’s hard because you aren’t expected to love unconditionally in this world, but I need you to love me with everything you have. Our happiness depends on your thoughts.

 

I need to talk to you about our sex

I need you to love every bit of me if we’re going to do this right. You’ll love my smile, the way I make you laugh and tease you when you get too serious, and you’ll love my sexiness. But will you love my future? Will you love our future together?

If there is one thing I can’t stand in a man, it is fear. I need you, my husband, to be courageous and loving and prepared for the new life we create. If you can’t love my ability to create new life, our intimacy will have a limit, and so will our sex.

This is difficult to think about because of the world we live in, but our fertility is what will make or break us; our relationships have evolved with it for millions of years. I need proof that your love is unconditional, and not based on convenience. I need to know that you will be a selfless and prepared father for our children, because I refuse to set them up for heartbreak. World peace is not built on broken families, and I don’t want to be a dreamer; I want to build peace with you through our family.

I can’t even think about a child being unwanted, let alone my own. And I can’t think of fearing the gift of my fertility because there are too many couples who would die to have their own child.

So will you be able to control yourself if we aren’t prepared for another child? Will you be able to show me your love in other ways when I’m fertile? Will our sex be a courageous act of faith and unconditional love, or will it be a convenience?

I don’t want our love to be convenient. I want it to revolutionize our lives and inspire us to grow each day. I want our love to be bold and daring; I want to be challenged by it. We need to be challenged by our love, or else we’ll grow weak and fall apart. You are too important to me to even think of that, so please: think deeply on what our sex means to our life together.

We can either work with life to live beautifully, or work against life to live conveniently. Since my husband is courageous, I know what choices you will make. Since I know that you love me and our future together, I am fully confident in the life you live from here on out, for you, and for us.

 

PS

When you are tempted to settle for less, or give up, think of us. Think of me, because I am here, living, breathing, needing your love, and preparing my heart for you. Write me a letter every week and whenever you feel doubt to keep our connection alive. Keep me updated with the amazing things you are doing for our future. You can give these to me on our wedding day.

I love you darling,

Juanita

 

A note from the author

I bet you didn’t know your wife would be named Juanita, huh? I know, it surprised me too! To be real, Juanita is one of the most sublimely beautiful women I’ve seen. She’s definitely worth the extra effort, and I hope you make her real in your thoughts today. There are PLENTY of men she could pick from; trust me.

Dan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Let Go of Toxic Friends

Everyone has had a toxic friend, but not everyone has learned how to let them go. I found out how to handle this process the hard way, and want to share my experience with you.

Here is the letter I was forced to write after a 10 year friendship turned toxic. If you like it, use it as a rubric for the tough letters you may have to write.

 

Dear Zach,

Our friendship has suffered from neglect. After so many attempts at connection, and just as many let downs, I had to let it go.

I love you man and I think about you most every day, but my friends have to be people who I can grow with; who can challenge me to be a better man; and who I can do the same for. I don’t think I can help you become a better man right now because our goals and lifestyles are so much different. And you haven’t been helping me.

I don’t like to say these things, but it’s the truth. 

I think you are a good guy with a lot of potential, but to be my best I have to surround myself with people who are intent on being their best; in their jobs; in their relationships; in their hobbies; and in their spiritual life. Our friendship has not lately supplied this growth that I need.

Personal growth should never under any circumstances be sacrificed to maintain a friendship. And when I realized that friendships are designed to help us achieve our potential, I knew that I had to make some tough choices. I love you, we have so much history together, and it’s a huge comfort just to know you are alive. But when it comes to friendship…our relationship no longer qualifies. And when I clung to it, I hurt myself.

It seemed like I was always waiting around for you to show up. And when I was waiting, I wasn’t actively being a good friend to other people. But when I made the decision to move forward, all of my desire to be a great friend was put to good use. I’m part of an awesome community now where my time and talents are needed, I’ve made some tight bonds, and I’m happy.  It doesn’t mean that I’ve been best friends with these people for ten years, but it does mean that I can grow with them. And that’s what I need. I need to be able to grow with people because that’s what we’re here to do; that’s what friends are for.

I feel like you’ve used the effort we’ve put in over the last ten years as a savings account. And the past couple years, it’s been all withdrawals. That doesn’t work for me, because I want to be rich in friendship. I don’t want to rely on anything except for my ability to give and to grow in the present and into the future.

We’re at a zero balance right now, and this friendship isn’t an account that I can keep under present terms. My life is focused on growing as a husband, as a role model, as a difference maker, as a peace maker, and as a friend to those I can sharpen and be sharpened by. This focus is not a passing phase, and it is one of the reasons why we’ve drifted apart in the past several years. But I can’t regret my growth as a man, even if it has cost me one of my greatest securities in life: your relationship.

I love you, I will miss you often, and it will continue to be a pain not to have you in my life. But it is a growing pain that I must endure in order to be my best- for my friends, for my family, for my future wife, and for my community.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Dan

 

Your friends are the greatest influences on your perspective and behavior, so keep good company. The lesson from letting go of toxic friendships is this: Choose wisely. Investigate the character of your acquaintances before you call them friends. Acquaintances are people you know, and friends are people who grow.

Above all, be the kindest, gentlest, most courageous, boldest, most generous, most honest, and most unconditionally loving friend you can be. Then you’ll attract the kind of friends you won’t have to write this letter to.

 

You Can Unlearn Narcissism–Here’s How

Step into this scene:

You walk into a crowded party, and you see a sea of faces–most of them beaming smiles. But instead of a surge of curiosity, you feel an overwhelming sense of pressure. Then you imagine, “Are they thinking about me? Am I pretty enough? Are they looking at someone more beautiful than me? How can I appear more desirable? Please look at me. You don’t want to look at me? Well you’re ugly.”

Now you know what it’s like to think like a narcissist. It’s really sad, and that person used to be me.

Balanced human would be thinking along the lines of, “She’s beautiful–he looks fun–I want to get to know this person. Hope my hair doesn’t mess up.” But then again, most people don’t have an enormous hole where their self worth should be. Narcissists do.

The Making of a Narcissist

Narcissists (N) are usually talented and attractive people who skipped over one small detail in their formation: that life is about serving others. The satisfaction of knowing that our actions create value for others is what fills us up with self worth. Those who give freely have the most to give. Narcissists, on the other hand, feel the need to constantly take.

They thought their self worth would be a product of what others gave to them. As a reformed N, I grew up thinking that what I had to offer wasn’t good enough. So when I was called handsome or intelligent, I clung to those thoughts as life preservers. And I did everything to preserve that image.

I pursued sexual relationships to feel validated. Instead of finding my worth and joy in the things I gave to others, I was entirely dependent on the praise of my natural endowments. I was powerless–jumping from one relationship to the next, sucking up as much pleasure as I could, and bailing when things got rocky. And I exited each relationship with less of me than I had to begin–and less sanity.

The cycle drove me nuts. After my third live-in relationship, I seriously considered whether life was worth living. That’s when I knew I needed a serious change.

The Unmaking of a Narcissist

I’d heard from famous speakers like Zig Ziglar that happiness lies in the giving. “You’ll get what you want if you just help enough other people get what they want,” he said. I was lucky enough to’ve been exposed to Zig’s messages when I was at rock bottom, living with my parents, jobless, and broken. Otherwise, I don’t know if I would’ve made it.

As it was, I took Zig’s messages to heart. A complete 180 was my only option, so I started helping others through the written word. But in order to stick with the whole “living for others” bit, I had to unlearn the selfish habits that had made me behave like a narcissist.

It started with giving up porn. 

Porn had always been my biggest crutch. Whenever I was bored, anxious, nervous, or unsure, I turned to porn. The dopamine release was like crack, which distracted me from any uncomfortable feelings I had. But there was one hitch.

In all of that self-pleasure, I never actually learned a thing about myself–and I sure as hell didn’t think about making life better for others. It had to go.

Casual relationships were the next thing to go.

My friends and family had described me as a hopeless romantic because I never was happy out of love. As long as I was in a relationship, I didn’t have to shoulder the responsibility of fulfilling myself–I didn’t have to think about how I was making life better for others. If I was giving my girlfriend wild sex, and if the relationship was entertaining, I could lose myself till it ended, which it always did. And when it did, I focused on getting back into another one so that I didn’t have to be lonely–so that I could lose myself. Giving wasn’t part of the equation, so I had to let the casual relationships go.

Being dependent was the last thing I had to give up. 

Your life heads in the direction of your thoughts. When my habitual thoughts were about others serving me–like my Mom and Dad cooking, cleaning, and providing shelter for me–it was impossible to break out of my selfish patterns. But as I cured myself of narcissism, as I helped others through my writing, and as I grew my profession, I started thinking more about providing for myself. And then one day, I made the leap.

I had to think about myself to survive. I worked hard and I improved as a writer so that I could eat, but the motivation wasn’t just me. I wanted to eat so that I could write, and I wanted to write so that I could help others improve their lives. The better I got at providing for myself, the more valuable my messages became. And after one full year of living solo, I’d left narcissism in mirror.

Here are 3 key habits that helped me change:

Journaling was instrumental in my transformation. I didn’t notice my thought patterns until I wrote them down day after day. When I started journaling, I could finally see those selfish thoughts and behaviors, plain as day. Then I’d plan to replace the old thoughts and habits with better ones.

Planning out each day was another important step. If I didn’t plan on being a better me after my journaling sessions, I wouldn’t have gotten very far. So I made concrete actions steps that would make me a more confident, generous, selfless, and useful person, day after day. For instance: through journaling, I’d notice that I felt hopelessly dependent on other’s opinions of me when I spent too much time on Facebook. Next day, I’d plan to not use Facebook at all, opting for a self improvement activity like reading or writing.

Affirmations were the third critical step in unlearning my narcissistic tendencies. People who describe themselves as narcissists have an unedited mind that keeps spewing selfish and disempowering thoughts. Ick. When you hear a lie once, it’s just a lie. But when it’s repeated over and over and over and over, you’ll believe just about anything–no matter how insane it is. A prime example is the German people who believed that Jews were “unterhumans.” Closer to home, it’s a narcissistic person who believes he isn’t worth dirt.

When I began affirmations, I thought I was repeating lies. “I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am generous, I am capable, I am independent…” Bullshit, I thought. But as I stuck with the habit, I started believing in them. Then I started acting like I believed them. And then I was them. I realized I’d actually been those good things all along…it’s just that my mind was so programmed with junk that I couldn’t see the truth before.

Conclusion

In reality, there is no such thing as a narcissist. We’re all just people. And since we were created by God, we are all good–even those who behave narcissistically, like I did. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who behaves narcissistically, even if that person is you, it’s best to go solo, and to focus on thinking and behaving like the intelligent and inspiring person you were born to be. Affirmations, journaling, and daily planners helped me make the change. So did giving up porn, casual relationships, and being dependent.

Need help? Sign up for my narcissist reform coaching classes.

 

 

 

 

Is Your Relationship Too Serious?

 

“Serious” is a seriously boring word we use to describe deeper commitment in relationships. But why should serious be the defining characteristic of mature love? In my research of what goes into lasting relationships, I’ve discovered play to be a hugely important and overlooked aspect of resilient love.

 

The experts weigh in

Life without play is a grinding, mechanical existence organized around doing the things necessary for survival. Play is the stick that stirs the drink. It is the basis of all art, games, books, sports, movies, fashion, fun, and wonder—in short, (play is) the basis of what we think of as civilization. Play is the vital essence of life.” – Dr. Stuart Brown, author of ‘Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul’.

We need playful bonds for secure attachments to explore the world with, and to express our true selves. Babies coo and scrunch their faces in response to their parents, and that play is how they connect intimately while learning about the world around them. As we develop, our styles of play become more individualized and complex to suit our relationship and learning needs.

Ideally we would be encouraged to blossom through our unique play (and maybe even make a career of it), but the modern world has become too adult-ish for that. Play is now deemed as childish, stupid, or unnecessary to being a grown up. Is it any wonder we get burnt out in our careers and relationships?

 

The importance of play in love

The honeymoon phase of our relationships is saturated with play. Whether it’s goosing your partner in the grocery store isle, teasing each other in bed, or camping out in the wilderness, play is a clear priority for new love.

The playfulness of romance is nature’s way of saying, “This is how love is supposed to be; this is your blueprint. Now go and build great things.” But oftentimes we use the built in playfulness of new love to escape the responsibility of making fun part of our lifestyles. In a play deficient world, it’s too common for people to remain unaware of this. And when we are unaware, we look to relationships instead of play to bring back personal joy. We become conditional lovers.

The rut of modern romance

I think relationships dissolve not because people change, but because they refuse to be changed by love, which is inherently adventurous. We are inspired to explore, to discover and to create when we fall in love, but it’s up to us to build on that foundation by prioritizing play and committing to remarkable lives. This is hard to do in a cookie cutter, factory sealed, cut and paste kind of world.

After the initial sweep of chemicals in romance, we tend to fall back into the rote routines of “normal life”. But life itself is a miracle, so the business as usual approach to committed love is a death sentence for relationships. If we want seriously happy relationships, we have to bring the spark back to our personal lives through play.

You’ll often hear people describe themselves as boring outside of a relationship. When we get attached to the fun we have with our lover, we start to get serious. We think, “I can’t let this go. I don’t want to go back to boring old me.” And when we look to relationships to bring out the fun in ourselves, it detracts from the unconditional essence of lasting love.

Play, it seems, is a long-forgotten lifeline to our most important relationships.

 

Solutions

So we are left with a couple options. The singles among us can either wait for the next love to bring back a sense of playfulness (only to burn out later), or they can make play a priority right now.

Dr. Brown advises people to retrace their play history

  • What were the activities that you totally lose yourself in as a kid?
  • What kind of play made you feel most like you?
  • What is the one thing that you childhood would’ve been incomplete without?
  • When did you let your favorite play go, and why?
  • What could you do to get it back?

A partner can accentuate your joy, but they can’t force you to commit to a joyful and playful lifestyle. So rediscover your special kind of play that makes life electric. If you get that common kink worked out before you enter a relationship, you’ll be able to love your partner more unconditionally for a lifetime.

For those who are already have a partner, you get to decide each morning what words will describe your relationship: Serious, or playful? Boring, or adventurous? The fun of new romance may long be spent, but you can rekindle a playfully incandescent love with a plan.

1-Retrace both your and your partners play history to discover your missing elements of joy

2-Find our your play personality. And

3- Have both partners commit to their unique forms of play on a weekly basis. Then allow your playful energy to spill over into and recharge your relationship.

 

 Pre-conclusion and pro tips

It doesn’t matter if you and your spouse’s style of play are compatible or not. If you can pursue your unique play together, all the better, but if you don’t ensure your own meaningful play time, you’ll find it hard to express your true self joyfully in a relationship. So reclaim your play, reclaim your joy, and reclaim your relationship.

Pro-tip #1: playing grab ass with your partner is a tried-and-true method of bringing lightheartedness back to a relationship. As a bonus, it leads to playful sex.

Pro-tip #2: Monopoly destroys marriages. Don’t even think about it. If you’re locked inside, opt for uno or stratego.

Pro-tip #3: Get moving with your partner. Whether it’s walking, running, or tossing a frisbee, your body remembers what your brain forgets: life is fun.

 

Real Conclusion

If play seems too simple a fix for a serious relationship, consider how well your car would run without fuel or oil. Play is that important. But don’t worry if your relationship has gotten too serious; it doesn’t mean the relationship is deficient. You and your partner might just be running low on personal joy. And since joy is a function of playfulness, you can reclaim it through committing to your own special style of play. Then you can bring playfulness back into your relationship and build on the initial ecstasy of a honeymoon romance.

Life is good

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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New Relationship Consulting Services

I’m Daniel Dowling, a relationship consultant based in Albuquerque, New Mexico. If you’ve read my articles, you know what I’m about: Mature love, resilient love, strong families, and continual growth in relationships. Sound like something you need in your life? It’s harder than you think.

Please, don’t contact me if you aren’t willing to dramatically alter your idea of dating and relationships. Bad relationships repeat because of bad plans and misconceptions, not bad luck.

Relationships are designed to challenge us to grow for a lifetime; they are tools for world peace and healthy families. If you want to be comfortable in a relationship, my services aren’t for you.

But if you want to sacrifice to achieve a constantly renewing level of growth and commitment, call me. I’ll help you explore a richer relationship with yourself and the ones you love. Because I offer a full refund for my services, I only work with fully committed and capable clients.

 

My Services

Think about your most inspiring and life-changing moments; did they happen in an office? Not likely. They probably happened while you were engaged in the world, having fun, and doing what you loved.

So with me, there are no stupid offices or paperwork. We’ll be going out to lunch or dinner and talking about the important things in a relaxed, fun setting. Whatever your favorite way to relax and enjoy yourself, whether it’s rock climbing, a spa-trip, hiking, shopping, or sightseeing, that is how we will spend our time together. I want access to the real you, so my relationship consult will be in an environment you love while doing the things you enjoy.

Since no two people have the same strengths and weaknesses, why should you go through a cookie cutter program? Because you aren’t like any other person, I’m offering a completely unique experience to help you develop a customized holistic plan and take control of your life and relationships.

(My home base of Albuquerque/Santa Fe is a worldwide travel destination for outdoors activities of all kinds, art, food, and culture. We have world class hot springs, hiking, climbing, and spa resorts. I prefer to do consultations in this little slice of paradise, but am open to flying to you for an additional fee.)

My Method: Fun, Discovery, and Growth

I’ve found that we humans are most capable of growing while discovering, and most primed for discovery while having fun. Necessarily, my consultations cannot be confined to an office. Do you like roller coasters more than anything? We’ll meet at Six Flags. Are you happiest paddle boarding and relaxing at the ocean? Then get out your favorite towel and flip flops.

I have life-changing relationship advice that is best served while having fun and discovering more about your surroundings and inner world.

Some of our talking points will be:

  • your past relationships, your expectations for future relationships, and the person you want to be for your partner
  • your needs in a relationship and as an individual
  • what you actually want from a relationship
  • how to satisfy your need to grow as a person alone and in a relationship
  • common habits that automatically limit your relationship potential
  • new habits that will build up your future relationships
  • we’ll go over your “perfect partner” to see the traits you need to build to allow room for that person
  • how to start a life-changing journal practice
  • we’ll talk about your relationship history from a no-bullshit perspective.
  • we’ll look at the mistakes that could threaten your next relationship and plan for something much, much better.

At the end of our time together, you will come away with:

  • A holistic goal that factors in your desired quality of life, the difference you want to make in other’s lives, the resources and habits you need to thrive, and action steps to achieve your relationship goals
  • Insights into a completely different way of approaching relationships and dating
  • Insights into fundamental and overlooked human needs
  • A deep understanding of what love is in a relationship and how to build it
  • A firm understanding of the differences between love and lust, and how lust destroys relationships
  • A new standard of dating that will prevent toxic partners from entering your life
  • A new perspective on the importance of building virtue before and during a relationship
  • Practices that will help you grow with you current spouse or find your future spouse
  • A daily journal with advice on making the most of a journaling practice
  • A complementary copy of my book, “Freeing Your Other Half”
  • And an inspiring, fun, relaxed, memorable, and enjoyable experience that will change your life and relationships. Guaranteed*

All of this is delivered in the context of a relaxed getaway centered on Fun, Discovery, and Growth. Does it sound right for you?

 

My consulting services are provided on a daily basis:

$600/half day (5 hours)

$1000/whole day (8 hours)

$2000/weekend (two whole days)

Contact me by phone at (405) 254-7911 or at daniel@dowlingwriter.com

(I’ll need to plan with you two weeks in advance to organize accommodations, activities and meals.*Couples rates vary)

*Because I am fully confident in my services, I offer a full refund to dissatisfied clients

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Experience and Influences

I pursued my career because I became tired of failing miserably in relationships. After I completely overhauled my conceptions, thoughts, and habits, I was asked to share my discoveries with others. I discovered a life worth living, and a deep satisfaction in helping others through my profession.

I’ve written for LifeHack.org, The Good Men Project, CheatSheet.com, Mind Body Green, Urban Dating, Waking Times, and Activist Post. I’ve been featured as a guest on the Flourish With Failure Podcast, Jeff Berwick’s Anarchast, and The Breakup Coach Podcast. I’ve also authored two books on relationships- ‘Freeing Your Other Half’, and “Creating Business Relationships that Pay What You’re Worth”.

I’ve studied under Allan Savory, founder of Holistic Management International and Savory International, in the field of holistic decision making and goal planning. William Ury, founder of the Harvard Program on Negotiation, has helped me to successfully coach couples on the art of conflict negotiation. I’ve also learned about the subtle and profound differences of men and women through Dr. John Gray.

 

Birth Control or Self Control: Your Choice

 

The character of a person’s life is formed from a series of choices. No one life has ever been fully dictated by their environment; at least, not one who is capable of choosing. And of all the decisions we make, every one falls into one of two categories:

1) Self control

2) External control

The most successful people in history have opted for self-control. If you can control your response to any given situation, there is no need for anyone or anything else to control you. If the purpose of life is to be free, as it is presumed, and freedom is attained through responsibility, then self-control is the only means to achieve a purposeful life, or a successful relationship.

The least successful people rely on external control for whatever they get. Instead of creating their fate through well thought out decisions, the least successful are completely at the whim of those who hope to control them. The concept of freedom for these types is freedom from responsibility, which is self-defeating, because freedom is the state of total responsibility. The harder people cling to external control, the less freedom they have and the more freedom they want. Sound familiar? It describes about 95% of relationships today.

 

Virtue, Vice, and Human Nature

Self control relies on invisible traits inside of you, known as virtue, while external control relies on outside pressure. Self-controllers have to build measures of wisdom, integrity, reliability, courage, persistence, faith, and so forth to respond positively to life as it unfolds. Externally controlled people insist that virtue is not required to live freely, and so count on outside factors to provide freedom. But always, for the external, there remains a fallacy; that freedom can be found outside of responsibility and virtue.

Freedom is self-directed, and enslavement is externally directed. Many people claim to be free because they choose their lifestyle, but if a person chooses to be controlled by an external source, that is the freedom to be a slave. The irony is that more people than not claim to be free though their vices. Vices are the opposite of virtue. Whereas virtue begets freedom, vice breeds restriction. Both virtue and vice come through free will, but virtue’s decision is to be free, and vice’s is to be controlled. Virtue is the master of need, while vice is the slave of desire.

Human beings have needs just the same as any other creature in nature. And when needs are met, any given creature can be assured a reasonable level of health, satisfaction, security, and happiness. Look at the birds, butterflies, bears and bees. These animals mostly lack provisions for a day in advance, yet they all have a quality of life that remains unfathomable to humans. We, on the other hand, have all the food and shelter in the world, in our culture at least, yet we pine for the quality of life that the simplest animals maintain. Even without knowing where their next meal is coming from, animals have what they need. Even with knowing where our next year of meals will come from, we humans seem to lack what we need. If peace is a condition of satisfied needs, humans can be considered the neediest animals on the planet. But with a creature so incredibly capable, how is it that we find ourselves in constant want?

For other animals who aren’t so highly socialized, to rely on external sources, apart from the earliest stages of life, is a death sentence. But because of how socially complex and industrialized we have become, we can exist for a lifetime relying on external sources. Even though we have providers for food and health and communication, and every physical need, we remain highly dysfunctional as groups and individuals. When needs are met, people and groups function. When needs go unmet, there is dysfunction. Whereas animals who eschew self control die, humans subject themselves to abject misery. Nowhere is this more evident than our relationships.

Our relationships are so dysfunctional that most marriages end up in divorce or decay. Is that because we are not designed for monogamy, or is it because we are in need of some missing elements? Do we falter in marriage because of a genetic handicap, or is it because we allow ourselves to be controlled by external forces?

 

 How Birth Control Defeats Self Control

Relationships are the most important arenas of decision making because they are where new life comes from. When we rule ourselves by virtue and for the benefit of our families and communities, relationships are a lifelong source of intimacy and healing love. When we succumb to the illusion of freedom found in vice, like lust, gluttony, etc., relationships become an entirely different thing. Instead of being free together through virtue, most partners end up as the proverbial “ball and chain” to one another’s want for vice. One aspect of our relationships that starves us of meaning and purpose is the way we approach sexuality and new life.

If you live in 21st century America, you might think birth is a no brainer; we aim to control and prevent new life, which appears to serve some purpose. Externally. But with a thing so powerful (and precious) as new life, how we respond to it makes a difference. How we respond to our sexuality is the greatest indicator of how we will fare in relationships. People who respond to new life by controlling their actions build virtue, which supports new life and satisfies the needs of a relationship. These people are free. But this is not the common practice today.

More often than not, people seek external control of their sexuality by birth control. It seems a perfectly normal and rational thing to do, but only inasmuch as one denies our nature. The tacit statement in taking birth control is, “I cannot control my self. I need technology to do that for me.” Whereas the couple who strives for virtue and self control grow closer through sex, externally controlled couples are ripped asunder. Birth controllers pretend they no longer have to respond to life because they have outsmarted God, or nature. But life is the defining aspect of nature, and so to cheat it is to also cheat our selves.

Since a large part of our nature is the unseen world of virtue, life plays an integral role in shaping virtue, thereby satisfying the needs of a human. Think of all the dependability, courage, responsibility, discipline, faith, perseverance and commitment it takes to lovingly raise a family. The common purpose of family life, and the common challenges in family, are extraordinary in how they satisfy our needs as humans; how they bring us together; and how we grow together through them. But when the needs of humans are supposed to be entirely physical, when our invisible nature is ignored, birth control seems like a no-brainer. If sex is good, then unlimited sex without consequence should be even better, so it is thought. Birth control allows for free sex, right? But “free” is a word that describes the state of satisfied needs, in order to live naturally, as most creatures do. In this sense, the sex we have through birth control is totally restrictive to our relationships and the development of virtue.

 

The Importance of Your Sexual Freedom

So many people have fallen for the simplest and most enduring fallacy that freedom can be gained through external control, and that is why we are completely restricted in relationships today. How can a person love freely if they decide to withhold their power to create new life? Is not the potential to create human life the greatest power we possess? And if that power is reserved in the act of sex, how can a person pretend to love freely?

Birth control mocks the beautiful gift of free, total, faithful and fruitful sex in marriage. Its convenience is alluring, but mark these words: birth control will be the death of your relationship. It opposes virtue in all aspects. It turns the celebration of life that is sex into a fearful and faithless mockery. Whereas free and faithful sex between marriage partners brings each one closer to the other until death, incomplete sex picks couples apart until they have nothing left to give each other.

Think of sex like a pitcher, and love as water. The incompleteness of sex allows love and virtue to drain out, slowly but surely, until there is no use in a couple coming to a well together again. If love cannot be retained and generated, there is nothing that can keep a couple together. Love in totality is what keeps couples together, and when aspects of love are withheld in any way, vitality escapes the relationship through cracks and chips.

The difference between self-controllers and birth controllers is that the former responds to life; the latter attempts to manipulate life. Couples who practice self-control pay attention to the natural rhythms of life and respond to it by building virtue. During the week of fertility, a self-controlling couple practices discipline, commitment, and sacrificial love by refraining from sex. Considering that this week of fertility is the greatest period of arousal and mutual attraction, expressing love in other ways is a challenge that brings couples together in creative ways, which test their character.

In choosing self-control, couples are brought together to communicate about their long-term goals, their needs, and their plans. Ideally there would be health enough and resources to provide for a new baby at any time, but during periods of illness or financial instability, bringing in a new life may not be the best for a family. Self-control acknowledges that life is sacred, and through the week of sexual sacrifice, a couple is brought closer together in their mutual purpose of happiness, prosperity, solvency and stability. They are brought together through sacrificial love, and virtue. Their attraction and respect for one another is renewed, and their common goals, wants and needs are brought to the table each month. Self-controllers don’t abuse the power of sex, and moreover, that power is revered and honored in each other.

No such benefits present themselves to birth controllers. Instead of responding to the natural rhythms of life, as humanity has done since time immemorial, birth controllers reject the gift of life and all the virtue that comes from responding to it. They indulge in the pleasure of sex regardless of their needs, or life itself. Birth controllers do not see life as any benefit outside of their wants, and if life does not fit in with what they want, they will suppress it regardless of what good life brings.

Birth controllers decide that they don’t have room in life for life, and so they agree to manipulate their nature instead of controlling their actions. But our nature is designed specifically for us, just the same as any other creature. And the more we know of our nature, the more of our needs we can satisfy, and the more functional we can be as individuals, couples, and groups. To deny the most significant part of our nature, the part that creates new life, is to reject the possibility of being happy and whole like creatures in nature.

 

Conclusion

Whereas self-controllers grow in respect, reverence, appreciation, admiration, intimacy, faith, and sacrificial love, birth controllers become enslaved by vice to their demise. If you want a happy and whole relationship, think heavily on your nature as a human being; reflect on your deepest needs; question what has become normal; and ask what you are really capable of. Chances are, it’s a whole lot more than you imagine.

All You Need Is Lust (Lust Is All You Need)

 

Love and lust are oppositional words; one cannot exist in the other. You can’t have a little bit of lust in your love, and you can’t have a little bit of love in your lust. The two words maintain a polarity that cannot be equalized. Whereas love is internal, lust is external. Whereas love is the past and future wrapped up in the present, lust is the present at the expense of the future, and in ignorance of the past. Whereas love is total, lust is incomplete. Where love gives, lust takes away. Whereas love is unselfish, lust asks, “what can you do for me?” Love is holistic and lust is partial—there ought be no confusion.

For how diametric these concepts are, most individuals do not recognize a difference. There is some modern emulsifier that suspends particles of love and lust in the same solution, and we perceive them as one. Take any song on the radio that speaks of love and replace each “love” with lust. Then notice how much more sense the song makes. People don’t notice that the concept of love is incongruent with most songs because they lack a guiding definition. I like the line from the famous Beatles song, “Love is all you need”, and though it is true, what good is that information if you don’t know what love actually is, and what it does?

People spend their entire lives searching for love because everyone knows that without it, life would have no meaning. But in the race to not be left out in love, few bother to define their goal, and few reach it. That may seem like a bold claim, but look at the totality of our lives: we can no longer expect to last with our spouses or our families. The places where love should be most prevalent are the same places we are running from, or refusing responsibility for. If more than a few people reached their goal of love, our future would be much brighter; people could expect to last with their spouses and have the security of loving families throughout their lives. But that is not the case today. The wedding vows have been tacitly altered to accommodate lust, not love. Instead of till death do us part, we think, “Till like do us not.” But we call it love because we don’t have a definition for love.

Your relationships and your actions could be lust disguised as love, but you’d never know until you defined love. Or until your life falls to pieces, whichever comes first. As it stands, everything that relates to romance is labeled under the umbrella of love. People who have sex with each other are known as “lovers”. Couples who have affection for each other are said to be “in love”. And because everyone knows that love is the most important thing in the world, we walk blithely in and out of romance, leaving a trail of destruction.

 

The things we do for love…But would love ask us to forsake future happiness for pleasure in the moment? Would love ever suggest we ignore history to enjoy the present? If love is past, present and future in totality, then love could not stamp its name on modern romance; that would be a disgrace. If love is free, total, faithful, and fruitful, then love would be humiliated to be associated with the conditions, the incompleteness, the faithlessness, and the damage that hallmarks modern romance. But love cannot be degraded by ignorance because it is what it is regardless of what people call it. We, however, are completely vulnerable to ignorance, and we have been degraded. If we think poison is food and eat the “food”, we will die. If we think lust is love, it will erode our future and destroy our relationships no matter how much we believe in it. Lust has and is continuing to erode our future. What will you do about it?

When you take a look at our prospects in relationships, and the end result of most relationships today, it is clear that our version of “love” is incomplete. The most important and sacred thing in the world is frivolously spattered throughout our music, literature, movies, and pop culture to the point where the word “love” has been emptied of it’s original content and replaced with lust.

It is a common phenomenon throughout history that if a lie is repeated often enough, it is presumed to be true. Jews, Indians, blacks, Irish, Asians, and unborn children were/are all known to be less than human through this phenomenon. The world was indeed flat by this logic. The moon may have been made of cheese by this principle. And so too has lust become love. When something is said often enough, people lose their propensity to question it, and they lose their freedom.

 

Freedom is the state of total responsibility for one’s actions, which is bought by eternal vigilance, endless questioning, and the courage to act in accordance with conscience. Every other animal on earth gets to live free because they don’t pretend their responsibilities are any less than what they are, as the human species does. It just happens that our responsibilities, and privileges, are many times greater than any other animal. Our freedom has been restricted in all avenues, but most conspicuously in relationships. Instead of loving in total responsibility and freedom, we have to pay for our lust with the future; with our families; with our happiness. But the future has a funny way of becoming our reality, so it is not just the future we trade for lust, it is also the present.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? How about twenty? How about when you are 75? Will you be alone in a nursing home racked with regret, or will you be just as faithful about the future as you are now? Will you look back and say, “I’m so glad I chose a different way”, or will you use “human nature” to justify your misery? Will the fruits, faithfulness, completeness and freedom of love be the standard of your life, or will it be something less? No matter where you are at now, your future will be illuminated if you define love and make it your primary reason for being.

If you are interested in being happy, loving your life, and embracing the future, love needs your attention. It needs your examination. It needs your vigilance and your questions. Love needs you because it wants to be expressed through your life and your relationships. Love wants nothing more than to experience the richness of humanity in love. Your love is important, but it will not be present unless you define it and make it accordingly. If you want love to heal your life and bring security to your relationships, then define love in a holistic way that you can judge your actions with. If you want love, do not be deceived by lust for another moment.

 

Each person must come to the meaning of love on their own, otherwise it is empty. To assist, here is a guidelineLove– any action or thing that honors, respects, and enhances life. Catholics describe love as being Free, Total, Faithful, and Fruitful; this mnemonic is a great rubric to measure your actions by.

 

 

 

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So You Want To Be In A Relationship?

Daniel Dowling has identified the reasons why relationships are so hard, and has an approach that will help you overcome the challenges. *Warning: this article makes casual relationships less appealing–read at your own inconvenience

The thing that pulls us into relationships is the same thing that repels us from them. We want to be reminded of how unique and awesome we are, and there is no better mirror to reflect the person we want to be seen as than a lover who knows nothing of our faults. So we feel alive in the first stages of a relationship, we feel fun and we feel free. But the mirror that our partners hold to us has no partiality, and as it reflects our good, so too will it reflect what ill we hold.

This is why entering relationships without a commitment to personal growth and edification is harmful to our wellbeing. It’s harder to remind yourself of the good things in yourself, but ultimately that is what stays with you. If you can make a habit out of seeing the best in yourself and affirming your worth by improving your actions, then there will be no one to pull the rug out from underneath you, as so commonly happens in ordinary relationships.

Doubly hard is reminding yourself of the undesirable traits that you would part with to live freer and love better. But, if you are unwilling to search that out for yourself, no one else can have any hope of showing you. And so those who are not intent on self-sacrifice and personal growth cannot grow in a relationship; though it will be easier to see their flawed actions mirrored by their partner, they won’t recognize the flaws as their own to change.

Bored people make for boring partners

Most people are bored with themselves and want to be reminded of why they are awesome, so relationships are an easy choice. But the mirror of our partners is not selective and it will reflect the good along with the bad. If you have a hard time looking for the good in yourself, you’ll also have a hard time looking for things you can change in order to grow.

If you aren’t trained in seeking out the error of your ways, then when someone reflects your truth, you will not recognize the faults as your own and you will be likely to blame your partner. “He/she just…changed.” Is a common excuse at the end of a relationship, but it isn’t accurate. When we enter relationships without a habit and routine of self-effacement, we will not tolerate any of the negative truth we see in the mirrors of our partners and we will not take ownership. So the faults and flaws of our own behavior will be falsely projected onto the people we relied on to see the best in ourselves. And when that happens, we don’t feel safe in their presence any more, so we become invulnerable and send signals that say, “I can’t grow with you.”

Those signals directly impact the behavior of your partner, and they will either withdraw to escape the pain or assail you with “neediness” and nagging, depending on how emotionally responsive they are. And if you are involved in this self-destructive relationship-seeking mode, chances are your partner will be too. So this corrosive cycle will be playing out from both sides of the partnership and to the same end—splitsville.
It may seem like a cruel twist of fate, but this force of nature in relationships is actually to our highest benefit. If our partners didn’t mirror the flaws that we carry, there would be no way to grow within a relationship. Since the point of living is to learn and grow, it would be cruel if relationships didn’t play out this way for non-growth minded people; there would be absolutely no incentive to change, to humble yourself, and to grow.

Relationships are hard so that we can grow through them

The fact of mirroring is why romantic relationships are not for casual purposes; relationships are designed specifically for growth. In the context of truth seeking and edification, relationships are the ultimate tool to know and appreciate yourself and others better. But arriving at a point where relationships are appropriate for your growth requires a fully developed and growth-based relationship with yourself first.

If you aren’t acknowledging the flaws that you carry and the errors you make by yourself, there is no hope for you in a romantic relationship. If you don’t know yourself intimately, have your own back and encourage your greatest growth, no one can grow with you. If you aren’t disciplined in reminding yourself how special and amazing you are, you’ll give yourself away to someone who hasn’t earned the privilege of caring for your deepest parts, and you will be let down. If you haven’t taken the responsibility of knowing yourself deeply and growing with yourself every day, then you haven’t earned the privilege or capability of growing with another person.

A person’s history in relationships is the ultimate indicator of their personal commitment to themselves. Those who haven’t committed to their highest growth will be putty in the hands of most anyone who will affirm their value; I myself was among that crowd for most of my life. Without self-discipline and sacrifice to grow before the relationship, the relationship will implode. Those who have committed to responsibility and edification will find incredible growth through a relationship, but not without great sacrifice.

The strength and fruitfulness of a relationship is directly related to the sacrifice that goes into it. If you look for a relationship to affirm what you want to see in yourself, you’ll lack the necessary sacrificial component that enables a relationship to flourish. If relationships are used as an escape from the responsibility to see and bring out the best within yourself, then they will crumble, but only for your benefit. A life without growth is no life at all. So, if you’ve had “bad luck” in relationships, be glad that you are still capable of growing. If you could stay in a relationship without your partner mirroring the flaws you carry, you would rot and become nothing of consequence. But the fact that you have crashed and burned in relationships is the ultimate sign that you are destined for something far greater IF you take up the responsibility to make sacrifices and to grow yourself.

The purpose of life is to grow; we are here to learn and to create. But you wouldn’t automatically think that by observing the peculiar behaviors of our species. It seems we have been possessed by the wrong-headed idea that the magical elixir of growth is in the next woman’s vagina, or will come out of that guy’s penis…And so we continue the vain exploration of comfort in other people’s bodies, but outside the context of self sacrifice and edification, we never find it. Then, when everything has topped down on us, as privileges are wont to do without the balance of responsibility, we blame God or our nature for ensuring that we grow, one way or another.

Those who seek personal growth through self-sacrifice and responsibility are masters of themselves; they cannot be lured in by passing pleasures that will ultimately defeat them; they will succeed in relationships beyond measure. Those who lack the discipline of self-sacrifice and sexual responsibility will hand their fate to the inexperienced hands of someone who desires nothing more than they; comfort. But greatness is neither sought nor found in the confines of comfort, and so it is that most relationships dissolve for a lack of growth.

Every living thing grows, and if it refuses to grow then it dies. Your relationships are living things that require growth just as any other, and their primary source of fuel is commitment, humility, vulnerability, courage, responsibility, discipline, respect, faith, wisdom, patience and sacrifice. If you can cultivate those traits in yourself before a relationship, then they can be enhanced by a relationship, and the profitability of your virtue will go to feed the growth of your relationship.

As relationships grow, so too does responsibility, and along with responsibility comes privilege. If you continue a relationship based on the principle of growth, you will be awarded dividends for as long as you commit to sacrifice, discipline, and adventure. There is no limit to the growth in a relationship save for your adventurousness, your imagination, your willingness to sacrifice, and your will to grow. That is to say, there are plenty of limits to your relationship, but none beyond your control; none external.

Traits you can develop before your next relationship

If the idea of hard work, responsibility, sacrifice, unlimited sexual satisfaction, discipline, unlimited growth, and lasting love appeal to you, then you can probably make an excellent relationship with enough commitment. If those ideas don’t appeal to you, or if it seems to hard, then you have two choices:

1- step outside of your comfort zone, embrace the fact that life is not easy, and fight like hell for the things you believe in (hopefully you believe in love). Or
2- accept that you will never be capable effecting joy, security, and fulfillment in your life.

It seems a clear-cut choice, but most people never orient themselves to a position where such a stark choice presents itself. We’ve all been mislead to think that romantic love is anything other than what we make of it, and so sexual irresponsibility has become intertwined the fabric of our culture. If you’ve bought this lie, then join the club! How could anyone be expected to automatically choose the hard and worthy road of sacrifice and responsibility when we’ve been conditioned to the contrary literally from birth?

If you are even remotely interested in a growth based relationship and sexual responsibility, you will be one of the very, very few because that road is narrow and difficult. The toughness of the road is what leads to the fitness that is required for the worthy things in life, like a committed relationship and solvent family. If you believe that there is a better way to approach romance, most people will laugh at you, call you a “shamer”, or ridicule you. They do this because your unlimited ideas threaten their concept of comfort and “good living.” But those who laugh will never know the freedom that you can achieve. They’ll never come close to a relationship that grows in intimacy and value because they haven’t prepared for it; because they do not think it is possible; because they are afraid to acknowledge the faults they carry and grow.

But don’t let other people concern you. If you want something better in a relationship, you have every right. If you didn’t want something better, if you didn’t want to grow, your humanity would be lessened because growth is our nature.

The following is a list of traits and habits that will prevent you from making the sacrifices to attain a growth-based relationship:

Casual relationships

  • Casual sex
  • Pornography
  • Lack of personal goals
  • An unmotivated and underachieving circle of friends
  • An aversion to responsibility
  • An aversion to sacrifice
  • A desire for an easy life
  • A sense of entitlement
  • A lack of challenges
  • A diminished spirit of adventure
  • A fear of trying new things
  • A fear of commitment
  • Pridefulness; a sense of infallibility

And most of all: a belief that absolute truth does not exist.

 

The following is a list of traits that will prepare you for unlimited growth and success in your relationships:

  • A desire to be challenged
  • A willingness to accept fault
  • A willingness to improve on faults
  • A ferocious desire to learn and to improve
  • A willingness to make sacrifices for the things you love.
  • A willingness to endure suffering in order to create the life you want to live.
  • A habit of constantly improving your actions
  • A habit of questioning what is considered normal
  • An eagerness to help others through your passions.
  • A habit of breaking your comfort zone to experience new things
  • A respect for life

And most of all: a burning desire to seek and obtain truth.

Without acknowledging absolute truth, there is no higher standard for which to conform one’s self to, and no impetus to improve. Without acknowledging absolute truth, one commits the fallacy of asserting a truth in denying the concept of truth.

Truth is what brings all people who desire truth together in order to live to a higher standard. Truth is what enables growth because it is infinite, and it can only be accessed through sacrifice. If your relationships have dissolved leaving you with less and you maintain that truth does not exist, please reconsider your stance if you desire a better way.