10 Questions From Your Future Wife

Beautiful Woman

I had the pleasure of interviewing your future wife a couple weeks ago in my ‘Letter From Your Future Wife’ article. You guys loved it, and the ladies loved it too. So I went back for round two and got more insights about what your wife is looking for. Since your wife is smart, she disguised her gems in a series of 10 questions just for you. They’ll challenge you. They’ll engage your mind, and help you to become the best man you can be. Especially #9.

1-Would you be proud to share your thoughts about other women with me?

Our lives are built on our thoughts. So if they are charitable, generous, and respectful, you’ll have the foundation for happy relationships and a good life. If you view women with less dignity and respect than they deserve…your wife will ultimately pay the price.

Just because you admire other women’s beauty doesn’t mean your thoughts are bad. Your wife wants you to see and be moved by the beauty of all women, but where you are moved to is up to you. Will you be the master of sexual desire or will it master you? Your thoughts will determine that.

2-What do you really want to build with me?

Your wife is a human being, which means she is here to create. She isn’t a safeguard from loneliness, and she isn’t a free pass for sex. She wants to build something meaningful with you and add to it for a lifetime. She wants to make a masterpiece out of your love, and have the world be a better place for it. So what are you actually planning to build with her? Will it be something you’re proud to share with your family and future generations? Will it be a work of art? Will it be a source of security and prosperity for those to come?

3-What makes you think you’re ready for me?

What makes you think you have what it takes to grow with someone and love them better for a lifetime? These things are required for a lasting marriage, but they take virtue and commitment. Have you demonstrated a commitment to personal and spiritual growth? Have you learned to love yourself better with each passing year? If not, focus less on looking for the right girl, and more on being the right man.

If you haven’t found your calling yet, look for that now. You are blessed with totally unique gifts and talents that can be used to build a brighter future for all of us. And when you find your calling, you live an inspired life of serving others. That also happens to be the basis of unconditional love, and the precise road you’ll meet your wife on.

4-Is the respect and honor of women your highest priority?

Do you strive to support the worthiness of all women in all parts of your life? Your wife will be your most precious angel; so will your sweet daughters. And when you look at other women, you are looking at someone else’s wife or daughter—you’re looking at a precious angel.

How you look at them and the way you treat them is how you consent for your own precious angels to be viewed and treated. Will that be with the utmost respect and dignity? Or will it be degrading in any way? Society doesn’t expect you to respect women with your thoughts, but your wife and children depend on it for their happiness. They depend on you.

5-Will I grow old with a fit and happy man, or will I have to watch you fall apart?

If you plan on doing the family thing right, you’re going to have lots of people depending on you for as long as you live. And if you’ve made fitness a lifestyle, you’ll be strong and capable till your dying days. You’ll also be able to please your wife sexually into the golden years, and play with your kids and grandkids till you drop.

That’s the good life, and your fitness is a key part of it. How could you better commit to being a whole and healthy husband and father?

6-Will you be the man to make the right decision even when everyone else says it’s wrong?

Your wife doesn’t need someone who follows the crowd, because the crowd is marching off a cliff. So do you have the courage to do what’s right no matter the consequence? Do you have the conviction to follow your heart and mind no matter the popular opinion? Are you this guy? (Insert picture of german soldier)

7-Are your friends helping or hurting our marriage?

Since friendship is what marriage is based on, friendship is what supports it. Because studies show 75% higher divorce rates in couple’s whose friends divorce, this fact is not hypothetical: your marriage depends on your friendships.

So what kind of friends are you bonded with? What kind of thoughts and behaviors are they sharing with you? Are they helping you to be a stronger and more courageous husband, or do they encourage you to settle? Do they challenge you to think for yourself and live to higher standards, or are they selfish and comfortable? If you have solid friendships with respectful and virtuous men, your wife will be supported all the more, and your life will be richer. So find and be a better friend.

8-Do you have any ties with your exes?

Your wife needs you. Not 90 or 99 percent, but all of you. One thing that will keep you from giving your full commitment to marriage is a lingering attachment to other women. Whether the bonds are sexual, emotional, or otherwise, attachments to exes will restrict your ability to give all of yourself freely to your wife. And without a full gift of your life, jealousy and invulnerability will work to destroy a relationship.

So do you have any connection to your former girlfriends? Can you think of them without wistfully reminiscing, or having your eyes glaze over? If the relationship failed, it wasn’t worth hanging on to. But physical attachments have a funny way of making relationships look way better than they actually were.

If you aren’t 100% over your exes and totally free from attachment, make a mindful practice to become free. Dissolve the physical and emotional bonds in any way possible. This requires reflection, forgiveness and being realistic. You can’t expect to keep in touch with a sexual ex and not rekindle old feelings at some time or other.

9-Do you know what love is? Seriously, do you know what love is?

Our most important life decisions are driven by love, but most people don’t have any concept of what it actually is. Do you know how precious it is? Do you know how worthy it is to make sacrifices for? Do you know how rich it will make your life? Do you know how to practice love unconditionally?

If you don’t know these things, you won’t be able to master your life or relationships; there will be a blind spot that wrecks your progress. So if you want to master love and share it with your spouse for a lifetime, learn more about it. Become a student of love. Read my free e-book to get started.

10-What have you sacrificed to make our marriage special?

It’s a universal fact that the good things in life don’t come easy. But when it comes to romance, we have selective memory. Could it be that life and work are so stressful that we look for an escape in romance? With how sex has become a commodity, and how casual dating is, it certainly seems so.

But love in marriage isn’t an escape; it’s the journey and challenge of a lifetime. And just like you have to sacrifice to grow in strength or education, the same is required for love. So what sacrifices have you made for lasting love with your precious angel?

A couple sacrifices I happily made were giving up porn and casual relationships. Now I’m able to look at women without thinking of what I can take, but what I have to share and how I can grow through the inspiration of their beauty. And I’m closer to my future wife, my friends, and my family.

Conclusion

Your wife needs a man who makes love his masterpiece. And you need a woman with the same approach. What would prevent you from being that man and marrying that woman? If you ask the right questions and have the courage to challenge yourself, the answer is nothing.

What question do you want to ask your future wife? Put it in the comments section below and, if it’s good enough, I’ll feature it in next week’s article!

Insecure Girlfriend? Try These 3 Things

Do you have an insecure partner? Try these 3 tips that will transform your relationship

Insecure girlfriend

“What did I do to make her react like this?”

You know the feeling. Insecurity is a black hole that consumes relationships from the inside out. It makes men feel less manly, and women less cherished. Often when we deal with a spouse’s insecurity, the root cause lies much deeper than the surface level problem.

You could be unconsciously giving your partner reasons to be insecure with many “normal” relationship behaviors, so read on to learn about three common blind spots that sabotage relationship security.

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1. Rethink Porn

If you are in a relationship, commitment is what holds you together. You need commitment to feel loved, but women are biologically attuned to commitment; their children depend on it for survival, and women have to carry them. Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes. Watching porn sends the message that your partner isn’t enough, and she will silently compare herself to the plastic and airbrushed bodies in the films. Enter: Envy, Jealousy, and Insecurity.

Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes

If the infinite mystery in a woman’s heart isn’t enough to hold the attention of one man forever, then what will? Women want to be cherished and sought after before anyone and anything else, and they deserve to be. But when porn enters the picture, a woman can’t help but feel less beautiful in your eyes.

Real beauty is the reflection of an internal goodness that radiates outward. So, women who compete with porn not only feel externally insufficient, but unworthy on the inside. If you want to reveal the depth of your commitment, prove it to her by committing your entire being to her; your mind, your heart, your emotions, and your sexuality.

If porn isn’t helping you to become more emotionally connected and intimate with your partner, and if it isn’t boosting her security and self worth, consider ditching it. (If…ha.)

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2. Dial back the physicality

Oftentimes women will give themselves up more than they feel comfortable with to feel safe and loved. But lovemaking that arises from insecurity will only breed more insecurity. If you have any suspicion that your girlfriend or wife initiates sex out of fear of losing you, there are many non-physical ways you can improve your relationship.

Offering a foot rub or back rub (with oil) is a great way to show her how much she is desired, and without any selfish motivation. Non-sexual touching like massages also invites emotional connection, and opens opportunities to talk about sensitive topics.

Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not).

Invite her to connect emotionally through your non-sexual touches, and by being vulnerable with her. Though we don’t feel like it all the time, men can seem hard and inaccessible even when we don’t intend to. Sometimes sharing a concern or a feeling is just what a woman needs to feel safe in sharing her innermost world with you. Once she opens up about her deepest fears and anxieties with you, you will have the information needed to show commitment where she needs it most.

How sex can create insecurity

Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not). Sex was invented long before birth control, and since children have historically been associated with sex, we are hardwired for lasting sexual bonds. Giving your whole body to someone without also giving your whole mind, heart, and future creates an incongruence that slowly eats at a relationship until there’s no security left.

You can rebuild security in a relationship by redoubling your commitment to her mind and heart, and by reserving sex for the deepest commitment to life and love; until sex is a celebration of your growth and commitment together.

Women know that their physical beauty has a shelf life, so their security lies in a partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into their innermost beauty.

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3. Consider her wounds

Since half of marriages end in divorce, there are many young girls grown into women who have emptiness where a father’s love should have been. This is a deep pain that many women would sooner keep buried than to be vulnerable with, but any mistrust of a father figure will translate to mistrust in her partner. And until those wounds are acknowledged and healed, insecurity will continue to surface in a relationship.

A woman needs to feel completely loved and cherished in order to give herself entirely to a man, and an internalized sense of abandonment can prevent her from ever being fully free. If you are in a relationship with such a woman, don’t lose hope. Though it isn’t your responsibility to “fix” her, you can help her by fostering intimacy through vulnerability. When a woman begins to feel the sting of an old wound resurface, she has a tendency of covering it up by closing off entirely, or by unleashing emotionally.

If you have a selfless kind of love, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions

If you are confronted with a weird-seeming emotional response to your actions, try your best not to feel offended. If you feel attacked, withhold your counterattack. Instead, empathize with her need to be secure, and with the roots of her insecurity.

Reflect her emotions back

Oftentimes women need to hear their emotions reflected back to them in order to understand them fully, and to feel understood. Look into the feelings and needs behind her words, and share them with her. “It seems like you’re feeling alone and scared. But I’m here. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything, babe. Why are you hurting like this?” Notice that this dialogue is centered on her emotions and needs. She is the one in need.

The last thing an insecure woman needs to hear is a defensive counterattack, like: “What do you want me to do about it? I never do anything wrong, and you always treat me like a criminal!” Women who express their insecurity are in need of acknowledgement and security in that moment.

Women who haven’t been shown the selfless and cherishing love of a solid father tend to look for validation in the arms of any man who will validate her beauty, whether he is selfless and caring or not. Since fathers care for their daughters in non-sexual ways, it is almost impossible to fill a father wound with a sexual relationship. Especially since so many men are interested in casual relationships, a heavy expectation from a wounded woman can spell trouble even if the man hasn’t given her specific reasons not to trust him.

Conclusion

If you sense problems that you have no hope of solving for your girlfriend, it’s time to seriously reconsider your reason for dating. Trying to fill a gaping father hole will only frustrate you and breed more insecurity in your partner. But if you have a selfless kind of love, and a deep commitment to her greatest good, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions.

Originally published at DowlingWriter.com

Questions From Your Future Wife

 

Your wife exists. Whether you have met her or not, she is living, breathing, thinking, feeling, and being beautiful at this very moment. And you are connected to her. If marriage is part of your future, what you think and do now directly affects your spouse. Could you write a letter to her proudly listing off the sacrifices you are making to be the man for her? Could you tell her all the ways you are preparing for a lifelong commitment right now?

If you can’t, don’t worry. The story of your future is written today, and if your past isn’t exactly sparkling, there is nothing preventing you from improving it. 5 years ago I was addicted to porn and casual relationships; my wife was the furthest thing from my mind. But when I made her a priority, when I built my life to include her, I changed my story. That didn’t happen until I made her real in my mind.

To help make your wife real to you, I took the liberty to contact her for the sake of this article. Yes, each and every single one of you are about to make a direct connection with your wife. And she has some questions for you. (Hey, it’s less creepy than question from the graaaaave)

 

A letter from your future wife

Am I real to you now? If you can’t see me in your mind, what is standing in the way? If you had to climb a mountain, or blow a hole through it to see me, would you? Am I worth the effort? Is our family worth it?

Since we’re in love and married 5 years from now, it’s my obligation to care about what you are doing right now. When I signed up for marriage, I gave all of myself to you: past, present and future. What past will you give to me on our wedding day? Will it be made especially for me? Would you be proud to give it to me, and would you be confident building our future on it? If not, what is keeping you from doing something different today?

What could you do to make our future stronger, more joyful, more secure, and more blissfully in love? You know that I need to feel beautiful, safe, and needed to feel sexy…what are you doing right now to prepare our bed for mind-blowing sex? Do you have a plan for me? Is drooling after naked women part of your plan to respect and cherish me for life? In order to be fully vulnerable with you, I have to know that I am your one and only—mind, spirit, and body.

If I am fully vulnerable with you, there is nothing that can stop our sex from getting better till death do we part. If I know beyond a doubt that you will protect and honor me, I will freely give you everything I have, including the wildest sex you can imagine. And there is no limit to that, except for the thoughts that you carry right now.

 

Your thoughts

Do you think of me when you see other women? Do you see their future husbands too? If I’m so special to you, you can bet those beautiful women have husbands that would die for them too. If you can look at every woman with that level of consideration, I willingly give all of myself to you. And I know you can.

If you and I walked down a street crowded with supermodels, would you show me your thoughts? If I could see your thoughts, what would they say? And would those thoughts be building us up, or tearing us down? Would they be inspired and respectful, or would they be degrading and hurtful? Would you want our sons to think like that? Would you want our daughters to be thought of like that? It doesn’t matter what you thought yesterday as long as you do your best today. Since you know that I’m real right now, all that I care is what you do from this point forward.

I know that you love me, sweetie, so if your thoughts aren’t building our future, please change them. I know it’s a challenge to respect and honor every woman, but I am every woman. Look for me in them. Look for our children in them. The life we have together is worth the effort, trust me.

(author’s note: Hi, Dan here. After your wife said “trust me”, she gave a deeply satisfied and perhaps sexually suggestive look toward you. Thought you should know. Back to your wife)

If I’m going to commit to you for a lifetime, I need to know how deep your love goes, and I want to know that you can be a friend. Next time you are inspired by another woman, I want you to take your thoughts to what you can do for her.

How can you respect her? What can you create to make a world where she feels safe and cherished? How can you remind her of the husband she has yet to meet? How can you restore her faith in men? All these questions will reveal the man that I know you are (I’ve seen the future), so don’t be afraid to ask them.

I ask these things because I know you want other men to think the same things when they see me. If you love me like I know you do, you will treat the future wives of every man with the same dignity you want for me.

I know it’s hard because you aren’t expected to love unconditionally in this world, but I need you to love me with everything you have. Our happiness depends on your thoughts.

 

I need to talk to you about our sex

I need you to love every bit of me if we’re going to do this right. You’ll love my smile, the way I make you laugh and tease you when you get too serious, and you’ll love my sexiness. But will you love my future? Will you love our future together?

If there is one thing I can’t stand in a man, it is fear. I need you, my husband, to be courageous and loving and prepared for the new life we create. If you can’t love my ability to create new life, our intimacy will have a limit, and so will our sex.

This is difficult to think about because of the world we live in, but our fertility is what will make or break us; our relationships have evolved with it for millions of years. I need proof that your love is unconditional, and not based on convenience. I need to know that you will be a selfless and prepared father for our children, because I refuse to set them up for heartbreak. World peace is not built on broken families, and I don’t want to be a dreamer; I want to build peace with you through our family.

I can’t even think about a child being unwanted, let alone my own. And I can’t think of fearing the gift of my fertility because there are too many couples who would die to have their own child.

So will you be able to control yourself if we aren’t prepared for another child? Will you be able to show me your love in other ways when I’m fertile? Will our sex be a courageous act of faith and unconditional love, or will it be a convenience?

I don’t want our love to be convenient. I want it to revolutionize our lives and inspire us to grow each day. I want our love to be bold and daring; I want to be challenged by it. We need to be challenged by our love, or else we’ll grow weak and fall apart. You are too important to me to even think of that, so please: think deeply on what our sex means to our life together.

We can either work with life to live beautifully, or work against life to live conveniently. Since my husband is courageous, I know what choices you will make. Since I know that you love me and our future together, I am fully confident in the life you live from here on out, for you, and for us.

 

PS

When you are tempted to settle for less, or give up, think of us. Think of me, because I am here, living, breathing, needing your love, and preparing my heart for you. Write me a letter every week and whenever you feel doubt to keep our connection alive. Keep me updated with the amazing things you are doing for our future. You can give these to me on our wedding day.

I love you darling,

Juanita

 

A note from the author

I bet you didn’t know your wife would be named Juanita, huh? I know, it surprised me too! To be real, Juanita is one of the most sublimely beautiful women I’ve seen. She’s definitely worth the extra effort, and I hope you make her real in your thoughts today. There are PLENTY of men she could pick from; trust me.

Dan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Let Go of Toxic Friends

Everyone has had a toxic friend, but not everyone has learned how to let them go. I found out how to handle this process the hard way, and want to share my experience with you.

Here is the letter I was forced to write after a 10 year friendship turned toxic. If you like it, use it as a rubric for the tough letters you may have to write.

 

Dear Zach,

Our friendship has suffered from neglect. After so many attempts at connection, and just as many let downs, I had to let it go.

I love you man and I think about you most every day, but my friends have to be people who I can grow with; who can challenge me to be a better man; and who I can do the same for. I don’t think I can help you become a better man right now because our goals and lifestyles are so much different. And you haven’t been helping me.

I don’t like to say these things, but it’s the truth. 

I think you are a good guy with a lot of potential, but to be my best I have to surround myself with people who are intent on being their best; in their jobs; in their relationships; in their hobbies; and in their spiritual life. Our friendship has not lately supplied this growth that I need.

Personal growth should never under any circumstances be sacrificed to maintain a friendship. And when I realized that friendships are designed to help us achieve our potential, I knew that I had to make some tough choices. I love you, we have so much history together, and it’s a huge comfort just to know you are alive. But when it comes to friendship…our relationship no longer qualifies. And when I clung to it, I hurt myself.

It seemed like I was always waiting around for you to show up. And when I was waiting, I wasn’t actively being a good friend to other people. But when I made the decision to move forward, all of my desire to be a great friend was put to good use. I’m part of an awesome community now where my time and talents are needed, I’ve made some tight bonds, and I’m happy.  It doesn’t mean that I’ve been best friends with these people for ten years, but it does mean that I can grow with them. And that’s what I need. I need to be able to grow with people because that’s what we’re here to do; that’s what friends are for.

I feel like you’ve used the effort we’ve put in over the last ten years as a savings account. And the past couple years, it’s been all withdrawals. That doesn’t work for me, because I want to be rich in friendship. I don’t want to rely on anything except for my ability to give and to grow in the present and into the future.

We’re at a zero balance right now, and this friendship isn’t an account that I can keep under present terms. My life is focused on growing as a husband, as a role model, as a difference maker, as a peace maker, and as a friend to those I can sharpen and be sharpened by. This focus is not a passing phase, and it is one of the reasons why we’ve drifted apart in the past several years. But I can’t regret my growth as a man, even if it has cost me one of my greatest securities in life: your relationship.

I love you, I will miss you often, and it will continue to be a pain not to have you in my life. But it is a growing pain that I must endure in order to be my best- for my friends, for my family, for my future wife, and for my community.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Dan

 

Your friends are the greatest influences on your perspective and behavior, so keep good company. The lesson from letting go of toxic friendships is this: Choose wisely. Investigate the character of your acquaintances before you call them friends. Acquaintances are people you know, and friends are people who grow.

Above all, be the kindest, gentlest, most courageous, boldest, most generous, most honest, and most unconditionally loving friend you can be. Then you’ll attract the kind of friends you won’t have to write this letter to.