5 Tips for Massive Presence in Your Relationships

5 Tips for Massive Presence In Your Relationships

You’re not hearing what I’m saying. You don’t understand. That’s not what I meant. Why didn’t you do that thing I asked earlier? I feel like you don’t even hear what I’m saying. Are you even in your body?

These are things you won’t hear from anybody when you are present.

Presence is your gift to the world. You are you and you are here for a reason. Given our extraordinary capacity for thought and imagination, it’s common enough to not actually “be” in the spot that you are located. Did you see that drunken wasp with mismatched argyle socks fly past your face just then? That is because you either (A- weren’t present, or (B- weren’t tripping on LSD.

When present, you start to notice even more amazing things than aberrant wasps: you begin to notice feeling, emotion, intent, and needs. You begin to notice the gift of each moment.

To be present is to be in the moment. Present day depictions of presence might include yoga pants, people sitting in full lotus, gluten-free bread, and being alone on top of a mountain. If that isn’t your life, then don’t worry; you can still be present. Gluten-free is somewhat of a scam anyway, in my opinion.

I’m thinking about making the headband and flower a requirement for presence

What does presence mean for your world? I don’t own yoga pants, I can’t sit in full lotus, I’m intolerant of non-glutinous breads, and anytime I’m alone on a mountaintop I’m usually yodeling. My presence is different.

Anytime I’m engaging with people, I try to give them my undivided attention. If I’m sitting in a room on my laptop while someone passes by, I will break contact with the screen to make a human connection. A small hello, a smile, or perhaps the craziest ugly face I can muster will do, depending on the person.

A person doesn’t understand how much this little touch helps with relationships until you’ve encountered someone who refuses to break from technology to interact. It feels bad. It makes you feel unimportant and distant. I’ve been guilty of doing it, but I know how bad it feels to be on the other end, so I give my damnedest to be present to others when they’re around. If I’m busy and need time for serious work, I will remove myself from the presence of others so I can be fully immersed in my work. If I’m in a spot where I can’t be alone, I’ll let the people around me know that I’m in work flow and am not available to interact.

When it comes to your spouse or partner, this small step in mindfulness will speak volumes of how important their feelings are to you. “Your presence is a gift” might sound like something a genuine cheese-dick would say, but it’s the damned truth. People take notice when you gift yourself to them moment by moment. One word that comes to mind is charisma.

You don’t have to be the biggest cheese-dick in the room to display charisma, but you do have to be present to the thoughts and feelings of people you are with. I’ve seen demure people who were plain and reserved that had more charisma than the cheese-artists you’ll see at any given frat party. Simply being there, attuned to other’s feelings, and engaged is enough to tell anyone that you are valuable. Acting this way will let others know that you value them. In a relationship, presence is the most valuable currency you can exchange.

And so proceeds: 5 tips for massive presence in your relationships.

1-If you have to have your cell phone on you, keep it silent.

There is no single greater turnoff than a person having their head stuck up their digital ass when you want to connect with them. Your frenemies on social media can wait for you to comment on their Christopher Walken cat meme.

Tempting, but you’re present-ass is gonna have to wait

Your spouse, or friend, or whoever needs your attention now cannot wait. They need your human connection in this very moment. They need to know that you care, that you are aware of their feelings, that you want to be with them and that you love them. When your technology takes precedence, you are telling the person you are with the opposite of what they need to hear. You may think that isn’t the message being conveyed while dicking around on the phone, and it may not be your intent. But one thing is for sure: Actions speak louder than words.

Take this quote from Einstein-

“I fear the day that technology will surpasses our human interaction. We will have a generation of idiots.”

Can you see how freakishly accurate that statement was? Einstein was a smart man and he knew the importance of human connection. He could see the writing on the wall decades before pocket supercomputers were even imagined.

If you want to connect more deeply and meaningful with the people that you love in this moment, ditch your phone. Emails, status updates, Instatwitterbooktagram…that shit can wait. Your presence is needed now.

2. Schedule at least 15 minutes of alone time per day.

Alone time doesn’t require any yoga pants or full lotuses. The easiest way to make room for this is to keep your eyes closed when you first awake.

Unless you happen to wake up like this by default, in which case you’ll have to carve out 15 minutes somewhere else.

Use this time to get your shit together. If your shit isn’t together, then you’ll be distracted throughout the day trying to tie up loose ends. If you take 15 minutes to tie up the loose ends in your mind, your shit will be together. When your shit is together, you can focus on the moment as it unfolds through the day instead of the mess in your mind.

Clear your mind in the morning by setting your focus. What do I need to accomplish today? What didn’t I finish yesterday? What significance does cowboy Jesus riding a velociraptor hold for my life?

Chances are, this will accurately describe at least one of your dreams…Creepy

What is this feeling that I’m feeling? Why am I feeling this way? How can I change my thoughts to act appropriately on this feeling? How do I diffuse tension with the person who is acting like a flaming dickmonster to me? These are all good questions to ask so that you don’t have to be bothered by them throughout your day.

Another important aspect of your alone time is intention setting. What kind of human being do you want to be like today? Here are some examples from my personal file: I am fiercely independent. I am living my dream. I am attentive to others needs. I am fully present with everyone I meet today. I give myself permission to learn as much as I can and to grow in value to myself and to others. I give myself permission to be the difference maker in the lives of many others. I am humble enough to admit when I am wrong and confident enough to persist when I’m right.

This is a small sample you can elaborate on and personalize. Figuring out what you want to be is the biggest distraction of all time because when you can’t be yourself, there’s just too much to be. Setting your intentions and getting your shit together first thing in the morning will help you to be massively present all throughout the day.

3. Remind yourself of how present you are throughout the day.

If you feel yourself slipping away, pinch yourself, bitch-slap yourself if you have to, do whatever it takes to come back to the present moment. It’s easy to get wrapped in other’s bullshit drama. It’s easy to worry about loose ends you have no power to control in the present moment, but don’t let these things pull you away. You have things to do and people to please that can only be accomplished in the now.

Tattoo this meme on your forearm…It helps

If you remind yourself that you are present and in control of your thoughts in this moment, then your shit is automatically together. Pat yourself on the back, or toosh if you prefer, then tell yourself what a boss you are.

It may not seem like much, but it makes all the difference in the farking world. When you’re talking to your significant other and things get heated, you can either, (A-fly off the handle like a doucheball and lose the respect of your spouse along with your dignity. Or, (B-remind yourself to be present and to see where the other person is coming from without judgment. Heck, you might even muster the wherewithal to ask yourself what inside of you is responsible for how you feel toward your spouse.

This might not even seem related to sex, but I think everything is related to sex.
I guarantee your sheets will burn up if you can be massively present with your wife. Nothing is sexier than saying, “You are important to me” with your actions. Conversely, nothing will come off sleazier than saying “You’re important”, only to act incongruously. Check. Yo. Shit.

4. Plan your week with your spouse.

This one is related to your special 15 minutes of alone time, but scaled up and partnered. This is where you get “our shit” together. Figure out exactly what it is that you need to accomplish together so those niggling loose ends aren’t haunting you throughout the week.

What’s worse than nagging and bickering?

This thing from the Never Ending story is worse…Still haunts my dreams

When you make a dedicated plan and look ahead to solve problems, those loose ends disappear. Voila! Now you are both more present in the week and can spend time either relaxed or, in action and making shit happen. Nagging, bickering, bitching, complaining… those are all choices. They aren’t inevitabilities in relationships, like most assume.

They are choices that take you and your spouse out of the moment. This moment, things are good. This moment, you are a human being who is deserving of respect and patience, just like your partner. Any other bullshit that you bring into the equation is false and wholly not present. If you plan your week together with your spouse, you will be more present and available for intimacy. Bottom line.

5. Kick to the hills!

This is my Tennessee miner way of saying, “go outside”. I can’t help it, my Dad is a wannabe cowboy; the vernacular rubs off. Lonesome Dove, Louis L’amour, Michael Martin Murphy, all that crap. He even says “crick” for creek. (End personal tangent)

Go outside. Our electromagnetic system is intrinsic with that of the earth. The earth puts out a certain electromagnetic frequency, as does your body. Before the technology revolution, no one thought of this and it wasn’t an issue. People’s brains and hearts and emotions were more or less harmonized with the earth. Today we have no such luck.
Everywhere we go we are bombarded by EMFs that disturb the harmonizing frequency of 7.83 Hz, also known as the Schumann Resonance. Wifi and cell towers all pump out thousands of Hz that disrupt our connection to the earth and to the moment.

My last tip on being massively present is to get outside. Ground yourself. Be among the trees and river and wild things. Reconnect with the earth. Famous thinkers from Aristotle to Gandhi have sought respite in the outdoors for inspiration. You can only be inspired in the moment. If you need to unwind from a long workweek or stressful office situation, take your hunny buns (or sugar pie, or pumpkin bread, or whatever the hell your sweet names are) for a harmonizing walk in the wild. Go camping overnight. Find your presence in the place that presence was made; in nature.

I know you are expecting a sex-gue (portmanteau of sex and segue; clever, I know), so here it is: The ancient Irish held the act of sex so sacred that they refused to do it indoors. Good vibrations were invented in nature, so it only makes sense to take the big nasty to the great outdoors. Instead of shaking your sheets, why not try shaking the damn pinecones from the treetops? Just make sure there aren’t any voyeuristic bears around to get their jollies off.

 

Creepy Bear

Cah–reeepy

In conclusion

There are thousands of other ways to keep present to yourself and your loved ones. The tips I’ve mentioned are simply the most practical ones that don’t involve isolation in subterranean caves, self-flagellation, or other extreme measures. Thanks for having fun with me! Be good to yourself and to the ones you love. You are needed to be present, so don’t diminish your importance- you are a gift!

Relationships and Entanglements: Do You Know the Difference?

Every time I go out in the publics, I see many who claim to be in relationships. Every third FB notification is a relationship update. An insane amount of media coverage is devoted to Bennifers and Brangelinas of the day, but I honestly haven’t heard enough about relationships.

 

For how much talk I hear on relationships, I see few people actually relating with one another. Take the word relationship- Even saying it makes you feel like you’ve won something. That could be due the presence of “ship”, which also appears in championship, but I like to think it has more to do with the inherent value of relationships.

Championship

Maybe you don’t get as excited as I do about relationships

 

 

I mean think about it, relationships are the cornerstone of human civilization. They are the gateways to new life. They are the foundation of family, which is where intimacy is grown and where love is shared. Relationships are what give meaning to human existence. Relationships are human connection.

 

When I think of human connection, I think of a generous kind of thing, like a stranger giving you a warm smile when you’ve had the day from hell. Or a baby holding your finger with her whole hand. Or, an uplifting conversation between two old friends.

 

To me, uplifting is intrinsic with human connection, which is what relationships are all about; relationships are about intimacy. But in the sea of celebrity coverage and social media updates, I see very little intimacy.

 

I see many people using each other like drugs under the pretext of love, and throwing each other away when the feeling burns out. I see men and women coveting each other’s parts while remaining wholly ignorant of the infinite universe inside each one of us. I see grown people repeating the same mistakes with their partners, and when others suggest a better way, they cry, “Shamers!” I see people so hopelessly hooked on the high they receive from their lovers that they refuse to acknowledge the reality of their interactions.

 

In all of this I see nothing of relationships: I see entanglement.

 

Relationships are a harmonious sort of thing, almost like a dance. They are fluid, they are constantly changing and evolving, and they bring joy, prosperity and life. Relationships always create room for growth. Relationships are an intelligent thing born of the plans and goodwill of two happy people.

 

Entanglements are a different sort of beast. Entanglements are cumbersome things that impede growth. There isn’t enough room to grow in an entanglement because space is never planned into them. People fall into entanglements and call it love because they feel so strongly, but for lack of a better plan, they always fail. Entanglements are a callow sort of thing that prevent people from ever truly knowing themselves or their partners.

 

 

Presence and space: Making room to dance in relationships

 

 

One of the most important components in a relationship is space. You are a creator and are far more powerful than you may yet realize. Your person is not limited by your appendages and your skin, but by your thoughts. If a person has built faith and fulfillment into themselves through a deeply personal and committed relationship, then their field extends far past what the body can tell. This is presence. You can notice it when a powerful person walks into a room- the whole room shifts and is changed by their presence. Their power is not contained in their bodies, and everyone knows it.

 

Those who are unfulfilled and who haven’t developed a strong relationship with themselves have yet to develop a presence, and so they associate power with the body. An unfulfilled person will seek their power in another person’s body in search of fulfillment. There is no space to grow, no thought of creating something better, no room for dancing, but only desire to fill an unmet need.

 

I know this process intimately because I had no fulfillment in self and my life was littered with entanglements. Instead of planning for growth and happiness, I dove blindfolded into relationships in a frenzied lust for fulfillment. I considered myself a hopeless romantic, and that is how I rationalized my behavior. But looking back, I see a clearer picture. I see a scared little boy who was frightened of the responsibility to be happy. I see a frightened lad who put faith in everyone but himself.

 

For all of our romantic follies, there would never be a question about what to do if our feelings weren’t so convincing.

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt absolutely certain that it was “the one”, only to have it dissolve in a matter of months? Welcome to the club. Feelings are so strong that they can make facts seem irrelevant. Have you continued to date a toxic person even though you fully understood they were no good for you?

 

I was entangled with the same woman for a period of 5 years. We kept coming back to each other even though the facts of our relationship were neon-warning signs. We displayed obvious patterns of cheating, emotional abuse, unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but what did that matter? We smothered each other with for a lack of faith in ourselves and left no room for a relationship or growth. Classic entanglement.

 

I cannot speak for her, but I will state my inner truth. I settled for those pitiful feelings because I had no faith in a better way. I didn’t believe that I deserved any better and I didn’t believe that I could achieve any better. I kept coming back to her because I was not supplying the thing I needed most for myself: inner fulfillment.

 

The irony of that inner need is that people generally look to fulfill it through external sources. Self love today is like being thirsty. Instead of going to the well and taking a drink, people hop in the goddamned shower. Then they curse God for their parched throats.

 

In effect, I made my partners God instead of acknowledging and relating with the God in me. I had no presence, and because I had no presence I had no gift to give. Because I had no gift to give I made no room to grow, and because my entanglements had no room to grow, they always failed.

 

Can you relate with any of this? I would be astonished if you couldn’t, because my story is the story of our generation. My entanglements fully embodied the spirit of our age: Do what makes you feel good, no matter what. I did what made me feel good, and my life fell into ruins.

 

The only reason I changed is because my situation was drastic- I lost my health, happiness and sense of self. I put all of my power in others and had given away every shred of myself to the abyss. I had a choice: Find a better way or die.

 

I’m alive and kicking’, so I’d like to think I found a better way. Either that, or I’m a ghostwriter…Ba-dummm—chhhhh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationship or entanglement: Make an assessment  

Old Greg I’m Old Grehhhhhg!

 

If out of boredom, loneliness, despair or misery you’ve sought a relationship with others, you have been part of an entanglement. When you are focused of relieving your burden of self-fulfillment or happiness, you aren’t paying attention to the thing you are building with another person, but only of filling a need in yourself.

 

When people are focused on creating and generating, they build space into their partnerships for dancing and expansion. But as far as I have seen, the majority of people are not looking to create a thing as much as they are seeking to fill a primary unmet need. The hell of it is, the need for fulfillment can only be satisfied by you. Your innermost needs cannot be met by anyone other than you.

 

 

So how do you know if you are in a relationship or an entanglement? I’ve come up with a series of questions that can help you decide for yourself.

 

Your relationship is actually an entanglement if:

 

It brings stagnancy.

If it keeps you from knowing and expressing your inner truth.

If it weighs you down and restricts your freedom.

If it has you making excuses for your partner or yourself.

If it doesn’t allow room for growth.

If you don’t have more to give through it.

If it disconnects you from your family and community.

If it distracts you from the creativity you want to share with the world.

If it makes you question your self worth.

If you are insecure in it.

If you constantly blame your partner for the bad things in your life.

If your power to change your station in life has been diminished in any way.

If you felt strongly that they were the one, but it continues to worsen.

If you have established a pattern of breaking up and getting back together.

If you can’t seem to move on.

 

 

Strong feelings confuse what would otherwise be a simple matter. When people become physically involved prematurely, powerful chemical feelings make the truth seem either inconsequential or inconvenient. When you allow yourself to become hooked on another person’s high, their actions and your history are of minimal importance. “I just wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t real.” Heard that before? Said that before?

 

 

Entanglements are hard to avoid because they have mostly killed relationships. Look to the movies, magazines and tv- Everyone is tumbling off of the proverbial cliff in hot pursuit of a feeling. “I just feel it so much more with this one” is common to hear from any dating person, along with equally entangled sentiments like, “She just makes me feel alive and new again.”

 

How do you avoid the mess and create a relationship that lasts? The operative word is: create. Simply enough, you must create the life you want.

 

 

You are a creator, not a consumer

 

 

Feelings can be so powerful that they make truth seem insubstantial. They are hard to avoid, and you don’t want to avoid all of them anyway. I just had to take a break from writing because I felt tired and hungry— it’s good to pay attention to your feelings to navigate life. The key is to respond positively to your feelings, rather than allow them to drive your life. If you aren’t in control of your responses to emotions, they will lead you off the cliff and you will ask, “Why me?”

 

One of the most important emotions that lead us to partner with others is inspiration. If you are a human, the beauty of other humans inspires you. Inspiration is a healthy and natural emotion—if we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t exist. So you have a healthy sex dive? Me too. Inspiration is intrinsic with sex drive.

 

If the drive of inspiration is natural and beautiful, then where does everything go to shit?  Your response to your emotions determines your fate. Master negotiator and founder of Harvard Program on Negotiation, William Ury, is quoted as saying, “There are no inherently negative emotions; only negative responses.”

 

Most people feel inspiration and are driven to engage physically with the one who inspires them. So instead of acting out of generosity and creativity, most partnerships are made through a mutual desire to fill a need.  Is it surprising that these entanglements don’t last?

 

I have another way to look at inspiration that will help you form lasting and fulfilling relationships. It comes by way of quote-

 

“Inspiration is the responsibility to create”  

 

Woah. This quote absolutely blew my mind. Instead of viewing inspiration as the desire to attain, see it as a responsibility to create; an obligation to make something, or to make something better. Inspiration is a reminder that we are responsible for the good things in life.

 

Inspiration is the responsibility to create. Responsibility is generally no longer associated with relationships, so it’s a tough word to hear in that context. What with abortions on demand, the idea of inevitable divorce, and us being slaves to our biology, responsibility and relationships almost appear to be mutually exclusive.

 

“Nah, my actions don’t have consequences—kill the baby.”  “I’m not responsible for my children’s happiness and security—sign the papers.”

 

The divorce of responsibility from relationships has not done anything to further our species or increase individual happiness. Instead of taking inspiration and saying, “What can I create? How can I give of myself and make life better?”, we’ve been conditioned to think, “How much can I get? What can I take?”

 

With that mindset, one can only settle for diminishing returns until there is nothing left to take. Instead of creating space to grow and dance, we’ve allowed ourselves to be driven by pleasure. We’ve become entangled and we’ve been tricked into calling it romance.

 

Just because you’re been entangled now doesn’t mean that you will be entangled next week, or even tomorrow. It is your choice to take the drive of inspiration and create with it, and that choice is available to you 24/7.

 

Experts want to talk about human needs to justify entanglement, but they seem to be forgetting the most important need of all: To create.

 

We are creators! You are a creator called a human being. If you aren’t satisfying your need to create, you will feel empty; you will desire to fill that void. I used to fill that void by seeking fulfillment in women’s bodies, through pornography, and through entanglements that took me further away from my inner truth. I placed the responsibility for inner fulfillment in sources external to myself. I did what I was programmed to do.

 

To unleash your potential in relationships, you must fully acknowledge your status as a creator. Creators create—they don’t just take. So, to respond positively to inspiration and to make space for a relationship, you must create. This seems radical because, after all, we’ve been labeled as consumers in a society of consumerism. How fucked up is that?

 

Fresh out of the gate you were lied to and labeled as something other than a human being. If you are like most people, you’ll have bought the lie; what the hell else were you supposed to do?  How is a little kid supposed to reject a lie that all the adults have bought?  You weren’t. You were supposed to have been raised by adults who could share the truth with you for your greatest good. But here you are. Will you reject the lie? Will you stand up for your happiness as a creator, or will you be consumed by consumerism?

 

Creators are not consumers. You are not a consumer. So take the inspiration that we all have and ask yourself, “What can I create with this? How can I give of myself through this?” Your life and your partnerships will change in a week.

 

But like anything else, practice makes perfect. Success is a habit. Get in the routine of being aware of your emotions and asking what you can do to respond positively to them. Come up with your own questions that help you respond creatively to the emotions you encounter. “What can I do to explore my inner truth through this feeling?” “How can I reveal my character?”

 

 

I’ll reiterate- You are a creator. You are not a consumer, but a creator-human being. If you want successful relationships, then embrace your role. You are not limited by anything other than your thoughts and beliefs, so don’t let anyone lie to you or diminish the importance of your innermost truth. There is no magpie loud enough that can drown out your inner wisdom.

 

Creating Business Relationships that Pay What You’re Worth

Business

 BUY NOW!   Only $5!

Add to CartView Cart 

Recently featured as book of the month at betterclient.com!

Click ‘Add to Cart’, proceed to check out via Paypal, and the link to download will pop up directly.

Creating Business Relationships is a book that is designed to help freelancers achieve success by shifting their perception of business relationships. We choose our friends and spouses by how much they care about us, but when it comes to business, we falsely believe that money makes an abusive relationship acceptable. This book smashes that limiting idea and gives fresh takes on growing your freelance business.

My aim is to help freelancers establish business relationships that are on equal footing, with mutual interest in honesty, growth, endurance, appreciation and learning. In my new business model money is only a symbol of the real value that is exchanged in a relationship. With that single shift in perception and a plenitude of helpful tips, this book will help readers to achieve the money they desire and the relationships they never dreamed possible.

PS- This will be the funniest business book you’ve ever read. If you don’t agree, I’ll refund your full purchase. If you crap yourself from laughter, I’ll buy you a new pair of pants.  Better yet, I’ll just make the book inexpensive enough to afford a quality pair of depends adult diapers for the reading experience.

 

Click ‘Add to Cart‘, proceed to check out via Paypal, and the link to download will pop up directly. Thank you, and enjoy the read!   If you have any additional freelance needs, please view my ‘services’ page.  *If you are in financial hardship, contact me at daniel@dowlingwriter.com for case by case discounts.

Be sure to check out my book ‘Freeing Your Other Half’, which is now free for a limited time. Cheers to your relationships!

 

Copyrighted.com Registered & Protected  QVTX-IT46-GKTS-SPF8

The Porn Conversation You Need to be Part of

 

Porn. Porn. Poooooorn. Porny-Porn Porn Porn. Porn Porn Porn-a-rooo. Porn-ah-reee, porn-ah-rahhh, porn-oh-ronie. PORN.

 

There. Now we’ve shed some light on the scary porn monster and can talk about it honestly, like adults. It’s important to talk about it because porn impacts how men relate with women and vise versa. Porn shapes behaviors that determine your outcome in a relationship. Porn directly affects your capacity for intimacy.

 

Since I know me best, I’d like to start the conversation with my personal experiences. You’ll find you can relate.

 

 

My struggle with pornography

 

 

I was so steeped in pornography that I can’t recall many days without it. When my Dad found the porn stash on my iPod as a young man, he joked to my mom, “Is Dan preparing to be a gynecologist?”   I was immersed in pornography from a young age and was scared to even be in a relationship with a real woman.

 

When I broke that fear, I still viewed women pornographically. I couldn’t connect meaningfully as friends to maintain a significant relationship.  All of my relationships crumbled as I became bored with insanely gorgeous women, just as it happens when viewing pornography.

 

With pornography I conditioned myself to extract a maximum of pleasure from women in the shortest intervals, and with no thought of my personal input.  This conditioning was patently obvious in the dismal outcomes of my relationships.

 

Relationships by their nature are long lasting, built on commitment and teamwork. Relationships require individuals to give freely and selflessly of themselves to create something bigger and more meaningful.

 

Since I had practiced the opposite of that with porn, all of my relationships failed and I was left alone, confused, and resentful.  What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I just be happy with another person?  Why was I failing miserably at something that should come naturally?

 

I didn’t realize that I was subconsciously sabotaging myself with habitual porn usage. Every day I did porn was a day that I used women, regardless of their feelings, for ephemeral pleasure. I used them up and tossed them away with the click of a mouse. It is no surprise or coincidence that I displayed the same behaviors in my relationships with real women. How manly? How intelligent?

 

Quitting

 

I quit porn the day I learned that many of the actresses are graduates of child sex slavery.  No matter how difficult it was to quit cold turkey, I could not rationalize it any longer. I couldn’t enable pure evil through my shallow desire for pleasure.

 

After that point, I was forced to deepen my approach to living.  I had to use my brain and my heart together in order to plan for real happiness that helps relationships and communities grow. I forced myself to become a real man.

 

This was not an easy process. I battled repression until I learned to channel my sexual desire intelligently. Repression is the ugliest beast from hell.  I did it alone and without the support of a strong community of men— that was a mistake.  We were put on this earth for each other.  Relationships are our greatest assets.

 

I’ve been free of pornography without a second thought for 3 years.  I have since devoted my life to helping other men overcome pornography more intelligently, and to helping women vocalize their needs in relationships.

 

 

 

Now I have some questions for you. I’d like to engage you with facts about the porn industry and on how it adversely affects your relationships.

 

 

 

Men

 

Do you think porn is a healthy or good thing?

 

Would it surprise you that the foremost divorce attorneys estimate 500,000 divorces a year are attributed to pornography? (https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/porn-use-can-lead-to-divorce-study)  Why do you think that is?

 

When a person associates his or her sexual desire with a lifeless screen, they are training themselves to connect with something that can’t connect back.  It’s a dead end that kills potential for intimacy between two real people.

 

In a marriage, your husband or wife depends on you to be sensitive to their wants, needs and desires in order to experience intimacy. If you practice associating your desire with pixels on a screen, you will not be able to connect meaningfully with your partner in real life.

 

Human connection is a two way street that you pave with each thought and action.  When your thoughts and actions fall short of connecting with other humans, the road to other humans crumbles and fades; you are left with a dead end.

 

 

Think of your daughters

 

Would you be ok with your daughter degrading herself in a pornographic film?  What makes you thick it is respectful decent, or even permissible to watch other men’s daughters do the same?

 

As men, we are called to defend and protect women, not objectify and degrade them. Vir means “man in latin, so to be a man is to be virtuous. To be a man is to be without pornography.  When we play our role as men, we help other men and women find lasting success in their relationships while supporting our own.

 

When we act as men, wee pave the way for our own daughters to be treated with the respect, dignity and honor that they deserve.  When we behave as men, our daughters can look up to us, trust us, and use us as examples for their future husbands. When we objectify and degrade women in any way, we are consenting for our daughters to be treated similarly.

 

 

Women

 

Do you feel like its okay for your boyfriends and husbands to watch porn? If so, why?

 

Do you think that he will be attuned to and concerned about the porn actresses emotions, needs and desires when he watches porn?

 

When a man watches porn, he is using another women as a virtual slave to satisfy his desire for pleasure regardless of how she feels.  This is not how you want him to be practicing for a breathing woman in flesh—you!

 

You are subtle, complex, emotional, living and breathing being; you are distinct from a mass of pixels on a screen. You command a level of intimacy and attentiveness that men who abuse porn are hopeless to supply.

 

In fact, most women who act in these films have to force themselves to be humiliated in front of a camera. They do this with drugs, painkillers and alcohol to numb themselves of the pain and emptiness that they experience. The pain isn’t just emotional; it is common for porn actress to have anal and vaginal tears. What a job?!

 

Clearly emotions, well-being and needs are not factored by a man watching porn.

 

How do you think that impacts you and your relationships?

 

I’ll give you my two cents:  We play like we practice. If a man practices fulfilling his desire for pleasure regardless of how a woman feels, he will not be able to connect with you in the ways you deserve as a beautiful human being. You need to be able to connect intimately with a man if you expect to stand the test of time with him.

 

If he practices porn, he will use you for your pleasure only to throw you away when he’s finished, just like all of the insanely gorgeous women in the videos. We play like we practice, no other way about it.

 

Did you know it has been scientifically proven that men rate their partners as less attractive after watching porn?  You are a woman. You are the most beautiful creation in the universe. You are beautiful and worthy beyond your comprehension. You are infinitely deserving of a man who can honor you, cherish, defend your inherent dignity and respect you. A good and honest man would never dream of compromising his ability to love you and admire your beauty.

 

You are worthy of being constantly admired and desired by a man who would never dream of sacrificing his connection with you for passing pleasure. But it is up to you to set standards that would allow room for such a man in your life. These standards will automatically reject and repel men who don’t have your best interests in mind.

 

 

Men and women- 

 

Did you know that it is extremely common for women to load up on painkillers just so they can smile for you while being abused on camera? That should destroy the illusion that they are smiling with you and enjoying the experience with you. Would you ever ask your wife or girlfriend to take pain killers just so they could please you?

 

Did you know it is very common for women to get anal, vaginal and throat tears that sometimes requires surgery to recover?  How sex and awesome is that?!  Did you know that porn actors commonly require multiple STDs and bacterial infections throughout their careers?

 

If you don’t believe me, allow ex porn star Vanessa Belmond to tell you about it:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HvC_sEURXA

 

Watching pornography enables this industry to thrive. When you watch pornography, you are complicit in the humiliation and abuse of our precious women; the bearers of life.

 

This life doesn’t sound like anything I’d want for my wife, daughter, sister, niece, friend. So why is it okay to support other women doing these terrible things?  I think it’s a grave disservice to our wives and all women to associate our sexual desire with such abuse and degradation. Women are worth much more than the pleasure we’ve been wont to extract from them.

 

Now is the time to not only act like, but to actually be men. Real men. Men who protect, honor and serve others.  Men who reveal their manliness through how gentle, kind, and respectful they are to women.  Men who refuse to conform to the abysmally low standards set by our culture.  Men who work hard to set new standards that make room for intimacy, dignity, and longevity in our relationships. If you refuse porn, you are well on your way to being this man.

 

For women, now is the time to speak out against pornography.

 

Now is the time to let your voice be heard. Now is the time to set impossibly high standards; impossible for anyone other than real men to meet. Now is the time to vociferously reject abusive and degrading behaviors.  Now is the time to let men know exactly what you expect in relationships and what you will not tolerate. Now is the time to stand up for you dignity rather than allow it to be trampled on by lesser men; no comfort in a relationship is worth the price of your dignity.

 

 

To these ends, I propose The Sex Strike for Better Men

 

Ladies: Work with me. Send me your stories of how pornography has harmed you, your relationships and your families. I am founding The Sex Strike for Better Men, which is a support hub for women taking a stance on pornography as well as a resource for men desiring to quit.

 

I am also compiling a book that speaks on behalf of every woman who demands more from men. I need your voice and your experiences as a call to action for men to quit porn.  The more women speak out, the harder it will be for men to ignore women’s needs. Let’s make male culture so uncomfortable about pornography that it is forced with two choices: Be without porn, or be single forever.

 

Guys, I need your voices too.  I need the stories on how/why you quit porn and learned to love better.  Many women now feel hopeless that good men who are capable of lasting intimacy can be found.  We need to inspire male culture to create an environment where women feel respected and hopeful for their future relationships. You stories of change will be a motivating factor for men around the world.

 

Send your stories through *this form*.    You can also submit stories to daniel@dowlingwriter.com

 

Thanks for being open to this discussion; it takes courage. Any of your personal experiences, opinions and comments are valued and desired. Please contribute to the conversation below.